Lit Up For The Season

Here is my dilemma this year, I want to not be pissed off by the end of December and not fit into the genre of assholes who decorate too early but people who bitch about seeing things that make children smile before Thanksgiving. I need rules and guidelines to follow and have decided to create my own to Christmas decoration and lighting etiquette for dumbees (that is not TM)
I have found that the more rushed and later I decorate the more pissed I am that I have to spend a whole weekend repacking all the shit I had up for 3 weeks. Mathematically I figured for everyday I force feed my neighbors my holiday nog is equivalent to every ten minutes I spend decorating. If it takes me two hours to hang up my Christmas lights they must tolerate my holiday hemorrhage of lights for 12 days. It takes me usually four damn hours to create the disaster I thought would be amazing and looks like Picasso had a stroke pallet on my house and in turn that is 24 days of looking at this mess, plus 4 days for pain and suffering on my end. So, I have 28 days to insult my fellow land owners and I must use this time wisely, but when does it begin, when should it????

Before Thanksgiving- The asshole everyone hates yet enjoys the ambiance no matter how bitter they are. They feed off this persons happiness for lighted spectacles and yet uses it for insults that makes them feel better until their next shot of cheap liquor. Over achieving menaces.

Black Friday- This is the preferred day, not because it's the day after so its "ok" at this point, but because you have relatives who are most likely still there and let's face it, the filthy ingrates need to earn that meal you spent all day making so they can sit and complain how fat they are for a month until they make that resolution they rationalize away by March next year.

December 1st- Now you're riding the line, at this point there is a sense of obligation to hang up holiday monstrosities and with this feeling it can tag on an extra hour due to the pressure of "having" to do it. No one wants to be told they have to do anything so that is why you see people December 2-5 hanging lights up, to defy the unspoken word of holiday decorating. These are the "troublemakers" of holiday cheer.

December 6-18- The procrastinators. It's not cause they don't want to do it, they just didn't feel the need to spend time hanging shit up yet was bored writing a blog no one will likely read and decide they need to shower finally and maybe throw a light net over the bush in their yard and call it good.

The week before Christmas- your kids finally guilted you into that shit didn't they, or maybe the disappointment in your fathers face when he asks if you did anything fun with the lights and you lie and say you did and forgot he will be there in 2 days. You never wanted to hang up the tourette inducing fire hazard, all you can think of is taking it down, but you do it anyways feeling shame replace that hollow spot in your soul you call pride.

I will write this week about when to take them down and the guidelines for that. Until then, enjoy your day and for the love of the baby lamb outside the manger cause he was booted for a baby, keep on keepin on!

Almost Motivatedness

Well hell I have been sitting on my ass, much like you bastards right now, reading about how amazingly inspirational other people are while bitching how my ass aches from sitting on the chair and the logical thing in to buy a cushion yet I refuse so it will motivate me to do something else. Its a vicious pointless cycle of sore assiness.

I remember as a kid running around the neighborhood from sunrise to sunset, alone most of the time or with people who could mildly tolerate me if you follow anything I write about being the amazing reject!!! I am sickened by my sloth, yet as I'm disgusted by it I shove chips down my gullet and drink diet soda to watch my calories multiply and breed in my ass anyways. WTF

I read an article on an amazing woman who inspired me to change the back ground cartoon I was using to distract from my awesome day of pretty much same ol shit. Not her fault, I would love to blame her for my aching ass sitting here typing this however I can't, but I will cause it will make me feel better about my own decision of laziness and finger licken goodness of nacho cheese on my fingers! MMMMMMMM NACHOS.

I am not heavy by normal standards, at all, I diet, I exercise, I watch what I eat and intake water more than a fish, yet I catch myself in moments of self defeat and love to blame everything outside of my cranium. I ran a moronathon last year, not because I'm a hard core runner but because I decided I wanted to and wanted to say in my life I did it, and I did baby!!! Lost 5 toenails and couldnt walk for a week but by God I finished when many others didnt.

I'm tired of my own excuses, although I refuse to acknowledge that thing called "victim role" since it's a choice as an adult, and I'm tired of hearing others. So as I read about kick ass people out there I will continue to recognize and understand in reading how amazing they are I am still sitting here, ass aching, and dreaming of gas station nachos. mmmmmm nachos.

To those amazing people who do more than read about amazing people I salute you as I contemplate buying a pillow for my ass. To those who are like myself get the hell up and walk away from the cellulite cultivator we call the net and do something you have never done and have always wanted to do.

In my loserdome as a kid I dreamed of doing so much, one of which was to actually have friends hahahahaha awe I know sad right, nay. However I did aspire to do something I have never done before and that's be a part of something that helps those poor little bastards out there that were like me growing up, different. So to make myself be able to look in the mirror again without thinking "someday I'll be rad" I picked up the torch and ran like the foul mouthed wanna be runner I am and just went for it. I hope you all do the same, get off your asses, right after you read this my little blogtards, and do something that your mom can wipe her tears of shame from her eyes finally to make up for that video you made in college!

Now go get 'em my lil spider monkies!!!!

Never enough crazy!

Often, often, often I find myself dropping one liners not only out of boredom but to see reaction or create that uncomfortable feeling between two people that you can tell that hamster in their head kicked it into high gear and decided this comment needs further pondering. If you read my blog like my faithful blogtards you will understand this was developed for survival as the genetic freak in the sea of cool kids, now used for entertainment purposes.

It does take that special touch, that certain reach around to tickle the anus while they think your giving all attention to their lips. Leave them looking at you cross eyed trying to figure out.....did you just touch my ass? Its soooo much fun!!!!!

I have admit I few a few favorites that I put out there, one being when your standing next to someone pretending not to notice one another flipping through mags reporting how the famous people waste their time or drooling over the candy you know you shouldnt eat imagining the craters on your butt cheeks deepening with each delicious tid bit, I say smiling uncomfortably enthusiastic, "How about all that huh? I mean really how about it, it just blows your mind sometimes right!" The poor bastard is looking at you wondering if you are really talking to them, knowing to turn down such amazing conversation with a smile is blatantly rude however, this bitch is nuts, right?! I LOOOOVE it!! Sometimes I get the person who asks what I'm talking about however mostly its that nice gesture they want to feed but who wants to take the chance on getting sucked into that conversation with the crazy asshole that doesnt make sense to begin with. I also like to say in similar situations, "You know what, today is amazing and I wanted to make sure you're aware of that!" Again, enthusiasm can sell crazy, we've seen it from evangelicals to infomercials, it's all in presentation and if you do it with a smile it somehow makes it right.

Another is the tricky interruption liner, this can be a nasty little vermon to wrangle but once you figure it out you create the best moments of confusion ever. When two people are having a light hearted discussion just chime in with agreeance however compare it to something that has absolutely nothing to do with the topic, and walk away. I have in fact had this happen and I heard the two women laughing as they thought I was out of ear shot saying what was that about, I made them smile and think that's what that shits about. Two women in the mall were discussing arrangement of stores within the mall and how its set up to sell more and I chimed in, in passing, "For real it's like when you've had enough chinese food your about to burst and you get home and realize you didnt leave the oven on!" Then you walk away and go about your business, it works and its priceless. You can conjure up your own cranial tickles on the spot however much like douche hunting it takes the keen eye and wit to realize when it will have that effective punch with the potent stench of knowing someone in your apartment building is cooking fish but can't figure out where the hell it's coming from!

Here you bastards go, go ahead and promote crazy, it's fun and harmless!!!

Spreading The Spirit of VD

The Holocaust of foliage and the drunken conceivement of October babies it's that time of year we appreciate pasting that stupid grin on our face to say we have someone or reminded we live in a world of desolate suspension in that damn jello mould of life. Constantly having to watch the peach and banana rubbing while your the lone grape.







Yeah I know it, it could be sad and lonely and you appreciate Brazzers so much more scoffing at your friend who spent way too much money on a day dedicate to an American baby suffering obesity and a wing deformity shooting shit at people, and we think people who worship an elephant is weird?! However lets poke some fun at it since my fellow blogtards know that's what I do best!!!





Your not allowed to judge these people.....want to know why, at the end of the night they're performing half the dirty lists on Urban Dictionary and your laughing in a feeling of vacant inferior superiority, have fun with that!

What I do love is the designation of one day where a couple, mainly the man, is expected to have a night of romantic fulfillment set up for his love. Even then they are still battling over withered flowers and figuring out if a congratulations card or a sympathy and turn it into a joke card will work best cause that's all that's left. Ladies, don't pretend like you have unreasonable expectations either. After all I act like I have testosterone however I do have a vagina and I do know that we become competitive braggarts chomping at the bit to be able to share with every one on every social network how much your other half appreciates you with candy that will give a you complex with weight the next day and happily growing flowers being mutilated, genetically altered to enhance colors, and displayed for 4 days till they die and yes.......your still bitching about feeling fat.

Such a wonderful holiday laced with potential of failure and disappointment. I know your thinking damn it Mo stop being so cynical. Ok, fine, its a day where we also appreciate one another, get in one less fight, and probably bang our little hearts!! I love it, I truly love VD for the fact an idea put out there by the masses puts sickening pressure on a couple to perform in traditional love and one week after the day of glitter and rainbows BAM the reality your still with this person comes back and the high is gone and your back to envying the single person who decides they feel like road tripping cause they can and you cant!

I bet you thought this was about Venereal Disease didn't you you sick bastards, well, it is.
Now cheers to all of you single or taken, have a happy drunken night full of tomfoolery and shenanigans you will regret and brag for months and if your really lucky years, love you bastards!

You know us Utahians!!

Good ole Utah!!!! Where we still use handcarts to pick up flour at the shop and we all share one man in the hopes of being his bottom bitch! The idea of Utah precedes itself, you can ask anyone in the US, excluding Idaho cause it really should be Idatah, and they will either ask you questions about living in the compound or state horribly overheard obvious facts about it considering living there your completely oblivious to it! Ugh I get it, we're all polygamous mormons who are obedient slaves to our men pumping out babies like its as cool as scrap booking Lil Jimmy's first dump. If you are a blogtard and have actually been following my blogs you are probably aware of the fact I am not mormon and if I were I would get the tar and feather treatment off the temples property with them taking away my Jesus VIP house card to enter the grounds. To each their own and all that shit but it amazes me how much people are aware of the infamy of Utah and has never even experienced it, that's kick ass! High five Utah we rule!!!
The thing I recently heard blew my mind however, it was a story of my fathers over seas travels years ago which landed him in Mongolia. Mongols at that time were still farmers, herders and the richest man in the village had a tv and 5 channels!!! So for dinner he lands himself in the villages tavern with home cooked goulash and enough alcohol to sanitize Las Vegas. He sat down with a translator and about 6 Mongols who's chatter could be heard across the street. They order a full bottle of vodka and salute to ordering the bottle and everyone takes a shot together. They order food and they salute to that, they find out my fathers name and salute to that, and they salute to them saluting. What I'm getting at is they were drunk before the damn food even touched the table top and I'm pretty sure they saluted that as well! As they felt that liquid burning their stomachs they wanted to know where this hairy bastard with glasses was from, no translation needed for my fathers answer cause when he said Utah there was an explosion of hollers and more shots and loud commotion and laughing. Not wanting to be found in a irrigation ditch face down he joined them in celebrating absolutely nothing in his mind. They quieted down and asked the translator a very serious question which he turned to my father and stated "they want to know how many wives you have." WHAT!?!?!?!?!?! Sum bitch ditch diggers without cable and means of worldly knowledge daily actually knew what Utah was for, Mormons!!! Without understanding what they said all he heard was mormon over and over and he responded he had only one and they saluted that. They had a question for him then and asked why he only has one and he responded " if any of you are married then you would understand". At that point the conversation changed to marriage and women however my dad was still stunned that these back plow ditch digging men were fully aware of Utah, you could ask about Kentucky or Florida and I'm pretty sure they'd ask if those were in the United States however Utah around the world is known for Polygamy.....yeah we rock!
So with this please enjoy my fav disowned members......

Alright, round two of the sharing of how spectacularly lame I was as the bastard of the schoolyard! The picture above is me, not a boy you assholes, it's me. This was in 3rd grade and at this point the mullet had to go due to two facts; I wore headgear at the time AND my father thought me having long hair was just something more in the way than anything else.

I will elaborate on the headgear so the entirety of the 3rd grade bastard story will envelope your mind in insane Joker laughter and feeling sorry for a 3 legged dog. I had the barbaric headgear that formed a helmet face guard in front of my mouth and wrapped around the crown of my head. Brushing your hair with one of these things on was pretty much pointless considering I looked like I rubbed a damn balloon on my head at all times, so yes half the time I wouldn't brush it which let to my father hacking the rest off. Now these apparently I did not realize should be worn only at night time, and I did not learn of this crucial fact until later my dad admitted it to me and said he just wanted to speed up the process of fixing my teeth twice as fast, that rat bastard!

This year the school zoning changed so I figured a whole new school and new people I would be able to have friends this year and maybe, just maybe, I could be COOL!!!!!! Well...... that was a fucking bust between my haircut that Dorothy Hamil would cry over, my amazing football face gear, and at this point I started learning that there was a difference between boy and girl clothes, I was the reject everyone avoided YET AGAIN! Damn it! There were no bushes to hide in with a dying cat and I couldn't hide in the bathroom due to girls yelling at the ugly boy girl to get out of the girls bathroom and use the boys. RAD.

I did learn to only use the bathroom by the office and during class so there weren't those girls yelling at me, I rocked at survival, and I learned at lunch time I could sit near the boys table and kind of blend in so I could eat in peace and not try to be involved and be rejected. During recess they would have handstand contests on the grass hill, alright I can do this shit I was part boy after all. So I would go and join the girls and try, I did this for weeks and thought I blended in!! Alas once they were tired of the dork off to the side joining the competitions they had to point out to me nobody liked me and to go away. So in spite of them I would go to the side of the building and do a handstand against the wall and watch them fall. Not sure what the idea behind that was besides me thinking haha you keep falling and look at me watching you. Creepy loser staring at you upside down all recess with headgear on and crazy hair, holy shit it s a wonder that I ever did finds friends, really.

Two days will always stick out in my mind, the first being my father accidentally bleached some levis of mine, so to fix it he did that old dirty hippie move and match the rest of the pants with splotchy bleach marks. Right on dad although I thought I kicked ass turns out when you get off a bus feeling cool and a bunch of boys throw dirt clods at you and call you the accident you are in fact do not kick ass. In retrospect I was ahead of my time so fuck you boys who threw dirt clods at me!!! I did go that whole day with kids going out of their way to make sure I understood how ugly my pants were and my face matched them, ah the sweet sweet memories of school *sigh*

The second day I remember most was my picture above. School picture day! My grandma bought me a matching shorts and button tee, it was black and blue and I would never allow my children to be seen in public in something like that mind you, and asked if I would brush my hair and I did and thought wow I look pretty my dad isn't even making me wear my headgear!!!! Well apparently like my awesome bleached pants I resembled something less than pretty and in fact when I was about to follow my class for pictures my sweet teacher asked if I would come over to her desk. She brushed my hair down in the back better and put the necklace on my neck she was wearing. I thought OMG I rule my teacher put her necklace on me watch out bitches I am the best!!! NAY, damn it nay, she had to add ,"this way when they take your picture they know your a girl." MOTHER FUCKER...... oh yes in all caps cause I felt so hurt and remember instead laughed, guess who "accidentally" broke the necklace. Nope, I blamed the necklace breaking on another girl who had screamed me out of the bathroom to go use the boys multiple times hahahahahahahaha that's right I had a moment of revenge and I took it!

As rough as it may sound I had a lot of fun this year, I kicked ass on track and field day, seriously dominated that shit. Must have been the hours of standing on my hands everyday, and my grades were the best in the class!!! I had a few moments where people were nice to me, and I did have two people I actually could talk to sometimes, overall I was a loner and realized I'm OK with that cause that's the year I found sports. See so again, no pity without this awesome fail of cool kid I wouldn't have found athletics which I still love to this day. There will be more memories spewing from this blog soon, but tonight I'll leave you with a visual treasure....... This is why you use a wall dumb ass!

OOOOh it's different, lets throw stuff at it!

It seems recently that the type of child I was keeps coming up, how I was in school, how I was socially. Anything awkward or funny, which was the majority of it, seems to be those verbal gems that for humiliating purposes can please the masses. It's true, I am odd. I was raised like a boy by my amazing single dad who raised my brother and I alone, which may explain the awesome look above. Literally that bastard put a bowl on my head and cut from the back of the ear across the forehead, to the back of the other ear. Not to make me more girly with bangs but for function. It's hard to take a girl hiking and camping with her damn hair getting tangled and falling in her face.

I was a reject. That person who tried to sit by the teacher so she wouldn't be teased or I would try to make people laugh so they wouldn't beat me up. Kids are assholes, it's true, although most have grown out of that there are those few I would not mind knocking their teeth down their throat to this day, I won't lie! In grade school the cool thing was to have a box, like caboodles type shit or something, and put all sorts of flavors of chap sticks in it and you were really cool if you had the vibrator sized ones..... yeah I question why some of them bought those since you cannot convince me you need a centuries worth of cherry cola Lip Smackers. I thought I could fit in, I convince my dad who works his ass off to care for us to purchase me a 3 pack, I started my collection of popular tokens to become one of them!! Nay, when I got to school and busted out my bubble gum and 7 up flavored chap sticks they were gone!!! Not the tube the damn stick of chap shit itself was gone!!! I dug out my treasure which no one else had yet, the Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers and as I remove the lid there was teeth marks in the top of the fucking stick! My cursed brother had eaten my chap stick, that rat bastard! I was not allowed to jump rope without those tokens of entry so I found a place to hide in shame........the bushes on the side of the building.
At our grade school there was a little hill with bushes on the side of the building. I called it my hut and I hung out in the bushes of lonely loserdome ever recess and most lunches if no one could see me sneak in. It was tricky, the one time I was spied the kids decided to try and hit me with pebbles so in my awesome innovation instead of crying and hiding I turned it into a game of dodge the flying rocks that are being hurled at the dork in the bushes at mid level force!!! GOOD TIMES!!!! I also found a friend, not a bipedal kind but a feline who I am positive had mange and was quite possibly looking for a quiet place to kill over and here's this questionable sexed person petting it and giving it the attention it dearly wanted to avoid. There was also an important technique of getting out of said bushes and into the classroom without being noticed, the girls were always in first so I had to time my entry to the cruel world again between them and the boys who literally had spit on me numerous times trying to play on the playground, ah but that's another blog to explain. If I jumped out too late I was spotted and I was teased about being a jungle freak, if I were too early heaven forbid the cool girls saw this mullet topped girl crawling out of bushes and dirt, I was so good I was rarely spotted, that's right I fucking ruled at being a loser!!! The nostalgic excrement I have to confront when people say "oh I bet you were one of the popular girls" I laugh and say if you consider popular sitting in dirt in bushes alone with a cat trying to die by itself then, yes, I was popular.
The patheticness of my childhood is what I owe to who I am today however. I love that I was a reject and I absolutely love that I was teased and mocked for the fact I now have a sense of humor that is quicker witted than the popular kids best days AND I don't let the world get to me, ever. I'm not telling you these stories for pity, merely to make you understand my ass was garbage to most of societies young eyes at that point till I grew jugs.....yep another blog. I am so thankful my father wasn't the type to step in, let me fight my own damn battles for I am a pretty kick ass brood that can only hope my children have that little bit of torment to make them appreciate who they are and not care what others think. Damn I'm mean, well, I'm old school and that's just how I am.
Tomorrow I will continue my homage to kiddie radness so the spectrum continue to grows on the awareness of why my crazy ass is the way it is with no apologies to anyone, to be continued............

I give you..... more dopes with ropes!