Dropping a yule log!

Christmas joy for every girl and boy, no matter what age! Ebbing, oh this wonderful day is ebbing, licking the shore wave by wave until it touches your toes, engulfs your body, and pretty soon your drowning in the splendor of debt, hangovers, and regretful situations with the family! It must be done, we must tackle this time of year with a smile on our face, a dent in our credit, and enough "spirits" to last us till after new years! I do get stressed and put way to high of expectations on myself and others in aim for that perfect bulls eye of a holiday I hope will be perfect yet usually goes awry. How do I cope, with those movies filled with awesomeness joys of the season that's how!

It usually begins with my favorite children's classic A Christmas Story. Everyone has their favorite unforgettable moments in this movie, and trust me there are many many to choose from. I anticipate the epic battle of the leg lamp myself. Personally I am not too sure why the mother has such an issue with the hot leg glowing in the snowy gloom of her front window, if it were me I would illuminate the shit out of the outside of the window merely to draw my neighbors attention and focus to that glorious gam! The bunny outfit is also great, I also bite my nails and sit on edge waiting, just waiting for the end where they eat dinner in the Chinese restaurant. My grandmother would get so mad at me when we would sing and I had to add "Fa ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra" to Hark the Herald Angels Sing!!!! By far one of my favorite parts due to the fact it's offending someone out there and it is in fact true to every Chinese buffet I have eaten at so far.

I also have a fascination with Bad Santa. Not so much the Santa character, to be quite honest he's an idiot in the movie and if I could slap somebody through the tv it would be his character for their effort to re create prior characters. I watch it for Bernie Mac and Jon Ritter, I love that duo, the meek and the ass! When I watch that movie I get bored and zone out up until the parts where these two come into action, there comedic gesturing toward one another is extraordinary and makes for the most uncomfortably genius scenes I could hope for!

Scrooged is another I can't get enough of, I could watch that movie on replay if I could. Bill Murray is wonderful and a gift to us from the sarcasm of the creator and I think his role in this is so bastard I fall deeper and deeper in love with him! There are so many great parts to this groin warming holiday spirit filled cinema, like the ever memoral moment where the animal trainer
truly had a concern that he couldn't keep the antlers on the mice head for the movie and Bill suggested frustrated to just staple them on hahahaha Oh my that is fantastic! Like the picture from the movie on here I truly have an appreciation for an aggressively hateful relationship where the bad guy just cannot get ahead in the battle! The pretty sparkly bubbly sweetheart kicks the living tar out of him and I get giddy and tingle everywhere watching this power struggle! This is a movie that has been forgotten by a lot of people and I for one find myself saddened when I am told they've never heard of it.

And finally, Gremlins. Oh yes, the first Gremlins where they sabotage and destroy an entire city which consisted of maybe 60 people and havoc bars and theatres with advanced thinking skills much like primates with a cockroach ass. Weirdest and most phenomenal work of art and I still want a gizmo and still would love to go to battle in a hardware store against some big bastard named Stripe. I would adore these little sewer monkey's if they came to my house and sang a Christmas carol, then throw them in a microwave or blender! I still watch this and try to figure out why Phoebe is so panicked at the bar, I myself would serve the hardest shit I could find, they're not driving home let the good times roll baby! With that I must run and leave you with a great Gremlin moment and I hope you enjoyed this quick yule log I've dropped into my poor blogtards laps, ENJOY!

Amazingly Hostless!

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Tis the season, yet again another dedication to being the best fake person you can be just so you can make it through the wonderful time of year we all sober up in February from for a toast to 9 more months of being yourself! Not this gal, I try my hardest to surprise the hell out of my guests, hopefully so much that by the time they leave without so much as a whisper there is an understanding Mo is definantly not OK and in fact lets avoid alone time with her. It is all, yet again, in presentation, like this carrot. If I found this carrot I would dehydrate it, pin it perfectly in an up standing position so that when I have dinner guests that would be the unmentioned centerpiece as I play Betty Crocker to people who are despising me with every forced smile!


Another trick is the before show treats, My house will smell of cinnamon and baked cookies but I will bring out on a crystal serving dish is perfectly laid sardines and water crackers. Is it to piss off friends, guests and loved ones, nah I just enjoy how people really go out of their way to be appreciative and torture themselves with traditions of the household as not to offend the host. Yes I am the person who takes full advantage of awkward situations, and yes I realize I have reserved seating in hell for exploiting such situation but damn it you only live once and at this time of year the expectation is so high on cheer that why not throw the mind altering possibly emotional damaging nail in the cogs!!?? Yes that is a carrot as the centerpiece that looks as if it has a ginormous penis, and no I'm not offended if you don't eat the sardines, it was worth a shot!


I may have to do another blog considering I honestly do put in a lot of effort creating horribly strange, uncomfortable situations just to test the waters with anyone who dares enter. One of the funnest I do is perfect picture placement, possibly collages or dedications. For example the best place for a quick photo in frame placement of the man of the house, the host, your uncle, your dad, is the back of the toilet. It has to be a man, worthless you say however nothing makes a man feel more violated than having another dude watch him urinate, if they are new to the house I guarantee they won't touch it but not be able to look the host in the eye for the rest of the night!!! TRY IT! For the ladies or the brave men who dare to stank up a strangers bathroom the creepy guy in a fun frame on the wall in front of the toilet is a perfect addition to the onslaught of mental violation they will lay in bed discussing later that night!

This is in fact one of my favorites I'm sharing, it could possibly be a sibling, it could possibly be a a cousin, fact is most likely again they will avoid using your bathroom due to their own imaginations creating a fun fantastical episode of drama surrounding this lonely photo you dusted off and hung in their honor! The honored photo, this is tricky only because you do not want to draw sympathy with it, you want only attention that you know in their heads they're thinking What The Hell. You can in fact be ultra creative like myself and add candles around it, a little cup that says worlds best dad with a picture of you as a kid leaning up against this photo showing your love for dad, however the photo isn't dad my friends. It a psychological bending over that they will ask about to respect your admiration for your father or whomever it's dedicated to but honestly they are laughing inside counting down to the seconds they can get in their car and speed off mocking it!

Heres a bonus tip for anyone making this attempt, if you use black and white, hint of nostalgia always gets them in the heart, it sets a tone of respect. Black and white symbolically are unarguable colors, note the term itself it's as simple as black and white. Use this to your advantage, wherever you entertain set up the honor photo such as my "dads" honor photo seen above. Maybe draw some stick people holding hands under a rainbow left handed and some dried flowers laying by it. Oh you know, you know they are crying inside to burst out in a fit of tearful joy at this poor blokes beauty, but out of situational respect they won't! I guess I am truly giving away my own secrets I use for psychological violation so when I do have any of my poor readers over they will know better damn it, however I will spread this wealth of behavior to you to try if you haven't already. I will be making more installments of mental violation trust me however today it just felt too appropriate to hopefully allow someone else to mentally blackmail and laughingly stroke emotionally with these fun and easy joy filled acts! Happy holidays everybody!

No place like home!

My God I have hit the jack pot of all sites my friends, I now feel that my own family is in fact socially acceptable in more situations than bars, emergency rooms, and police stations! We actually could have more blood out there infecting the world one broken condom at a time!!! Hell who am I kidding condom don't feel the same right?!?!?!
Please please look closely at these treasures I picked and chose from on the site I will post at the end of this and appreciate that these people can be anyone out there we look past on our daily routines! Caught forever in frozen time, moments you and I can appreciate with humor, respect and I fucking love them and I don't even know them! Above the title to this pic was "Has anyone seen Aunt Telcia?" look close and it's the Where's Waldo for us simple minded folk out here who now want to do this same photo for others to try and catch. If you say no then I will call you a liar, simple, yet elegant drunken thought was put into this family photo I now treasure!!!

I have hit the mother effing load here, these two brutes pose in the sexiest way imaginable to themselves and I sure as hell will not pass up such an opportunity to exploit that! The gentleman in the form fitting grey ensemble has a mysterious beckoning stance at which you question, is he in the process of moving forward or stepping backward forgetting to suck in widening his stance to be sure the small bulge will be noticed in his grandmothers polyester Sears pants. Mullet stud on the other hand went for the more forward approach, he is sexy and damn it he means it! A more natural stance, holding the wrist up like "oh my, you caught my in my leopard banana hammock checking the time in a photo studio", EPIC! Feathered business is absolutely breathtakingly hero that this man actually thought today is one of which I will be sexy in the most timeless way I can. Magnificent!

Alright dads, and this is why you are not allowed to be photographed when you play with children.

We are all very very aware that you treat them like the gi Joes you marred and buried in great aunts flower garden, but for the love of God stop pushing them onto slip and slides with no water,

and stop throwing them across rooms when chances are we all know we will be visiting the emergency room once again knowing when the doctors and nurses look at you they're are thinking I am reporting this SOB stat! They are not toys!!!! However on a side note I want to thank the mommies who did not step in, who probably was too loaded to give a shit and/or but not limited to, was bored and knew if she waited she would have an excuse to fight with daddy to avoid sex later. I know how you women think, and men, this usually is the ONLY reason why w sober women will let you toss their kids around for fun.

Alright I'm having too much fun and absolutely dieing over this web site so here is the last set before I release you heathens into the virtual world of insanity I so adore!

The creepy family photos that we all run the scenarios of what they could possibly be thinking when the were taken. No little Ping, you you suck at stacking blocks, you be no doctor, you sit over there now!!! Mo quit hahaha no lets continue shall we. Black and white are supposed to be

classic, nostalgic, influential to today's society reminding us of honestly how big of pussies we are in comparison. However, I see these of my own Serbian blood family working the rail roads and mines in Nevada and think to myself sometimes, they ate blood sausage, they slaughtered their own food, they would have the new guy take off his clothes and throw them off the train in the middle of winter on their way to school, Holy shit these people scare the living hell out of me!!! FYI the train story is true, my family rocks and frightens me! The black and white was most likely supposed to be a serene happy one with photos angled in the background, the man sitting forward asserting his penis stance into the posture, so what the hell is up with exorcist on the left. She honestly scares the shit out of me and to see this picture larger go to the following website I post right before I curl myself up into a ball of fear in my comforter hoping that it isn't true that the most random thing you don't think twice about is in fact what you dream that night. I hope you all enjoyed and please check this site out, it is my Eloi ( nod to HG Wells people) of my virtual roaming!

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/

and with that I must leave you this, one of us one of us one of us................gooble gobble, I accept you

Not all bars are meant to be lowered!

Ah the blessed holiday season, the time of year where it's socially acceptable to be a drunken fool for many reasons all of which in reality is not a real reason, yet we cling to it and fashion that excuse, tailor it so we can wrap it around us tightly cuddled in the warm bliss of it till you realize you've urinated on yourself the next morning. I love finding those excuses, much like children, we don't want to really explain what happened so we cover it with a slobbering self of pity and entitlement, and that's ok!!! Trust me there is not one person out there who hasn't experienced the mental heroine that makes us feel on cloud nine till we wake up to the cold reality that we could elude for as long as possible. Be it a new sex partner, that new drink we love, or the euphoric bliss of something that just absolutely stimulates just the right places in/on you and then POW, holy stupid choices batman this isn't what I expected. I'm sorry but those moments are absolutely titillating, they embody that inner desire we so desperately want to fulfill yet hold back due to social judgement or even worse, a moral effing anchor.

There are soooooo many moments in my life I have embarrassment attached to yet those are the first I share with anyone who is unfortunate enough to give me the time of day. The majority are alcohol induced mishaps that we all like to call "life's lessons." Realistically they're still embarrassing as hell and the punchline to any story battle "really? well wait till you hear what I did, or what happened to me!".

Well here's is probably the most perfect example of a skewed fantastical reality, you think your rockin, and in that weird "oh my gosh look at the horribly inebriated guy dance lets all cheer him on" kind of way you are. However, we all know when you wake up the next morning with an anvil in your skull, bruises in places you didn't realize could ever bruise, and coyote ugly laying in bed naked and snoring off your vodka induced mental coma, you take that moment to say to yourself What the..... Damn it! Your reasoning for this? Perhaps a bad break up, or your cat muffy died, or my fav you lost your job, which in itself drinking like a fish is defeating of that money situation but who cares! Hey I'm not here to judge, I've had my experiences in tequila wonderland, and I'm pretty sure theres evidence out there proving it, in fact I love when people can poke fun at those moments, embracing them before they have that opportunity to feel guilty after someone for whatever reason wants you to feel bad for it. I say NAY!

I don't condone promiscuity, although it comes with the territory and lets face it, just read two blogs ago and shut your face. Nor do I condone drunk driving, people take their damn keys and let them throw a fit, who cares, if your skilled you can take that energy and make them tear it up on a pool table or anywhere where they imagine there's music be it a slot machine or someones cell phone, oh yeah I'm a great 15 second bust a move lady! We all suffer the morning after we're awaken to writing on our faces, photos, video, lets face it, it happens! Bad decisions are a piece of natural law, and by God I take full responsibility in my part to teach others from my own mistakes. If they are like me they must discover this wonderful world themselves, no one can direct them just maybe corral it just a bit.

We all have folk in our lives whether it be ourselves or spouse or great Aunt twice removed, it's a good damn time and thank you for your dumb decisions, your prolific life awakenings through self humiliation, and lets face it, without them we wouldnt have stories to embarrass the shit out of each other with at the worst possible moment such as but not limited to: Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, wedding toast, and the all time greatest the day which puts emphasis on love through an epic massacre, Valentines day, otherwise known as VD remembrance day!!! You all know who you are out there and I love each and every one of you for it!!! Feel free to post embarrassing moments which I'm sure this has stirred in someone that time in their lives they just want off their chest but would never live the glory down!