Lit Up For The Season

Here is my dilemma this year, I want to not be pissed off by the end of December and not fit into the genre of assholes who decorate too early but people who bitch about seeing things that make children smile before Thanksgiving. I need rules and guidelines to follow and have decided to create my own to Christmas decoration and lighting etiquette for dumbees (that is not TM)
I have found that the more rushed and later I decorate the more pissed I am that I have to spend a whole weekend repacking all the shit I had up for 3 weeks. Mathematically I figured for everyday I force feed my neighbors my holiday nog is equivalent to every ten minutes I spend decorating. If it takes me two hours to hang up my Christmas lights they must tolerate my holiday hemorrhage of lights for 12 days. It takes me usually four damn hours to create the disaster I thought would be amazing and looks like Picasso had a stroke pallet on my house and in turn that is 24 days of looking at this mess, plus 4 days for pain and suffering on my end. So, I have 28 days to insult my fellow land owners and I must use this time wisely, but when does it begin, when should it????

Before Thanksgiving- The asshole everyone hates yet enjoys the ambiance no matter how bitter they are. They feed off this persons happiness for lighted spectacles and yet uses it for insults that makes them feel better until their next shot of cheap liquor. Over achieving menaces.

Black Friday- This is the preferred day, not because it's the day after so its "ok" at this point, but because you have relatives who are most likely still there and let's face it, the filthy ingrates need to earn that meal you spent all day making so they can sit and complain how fat they are for a month until they make that resolution they rationalize away by March next year.

December 1st- Now you're riding the line, at this point there is a sense of obligation to hang up holiday monstrosities and with this feeling it can tag on an extra hour due to the pressure of "having" to do it. No one wants to be told they have to do anything so that is why you see people December 2-5 hanging lights up, to defy the unspoken word of holiday decorating. These are the "troublemakers" of holiday cheer.

December 6-18- The procrastinators. It's not cause they don't want to do it, they just didn't feel the need to spend time hanging shit up yet was bored writing a blog no one will likely read and decide they need to shower finally and maybe throw a light net over the bush in their yard and call it good.

The week before Christmas- your kids finally guilted you into that shit didn't they, or maybe the disappointment in your fathers face when he asks if you did anything fun with the lights and you lie and say you did and forgot he will be there in 2 days. You never wanted to hang up the tourette inducing fire hazard, all you can think of is taking it down, but you do it anyways feeling shame replace that hollow spot in your soul you call pride.

I will write this week about when to take them down and the guidelines for that. Until then, enjoy your day and for the love of the baby lamb outside the manger cause he was booted for a baby, keep on keepin on!

Almost Motivatedness

Well hell I have been sitting on my ass, much like you bastards right now, reading about how amazingly inspirational other people are while bitching how my ass aches from sitting on the chair and the logical thing in to buy a cushion yet I refuse so it will motivate me to do something else. Its a vicious pointless cycle of sore assiness.

I remember as a kid running around the neighborhood from sunrise to sunset, alone most of the time or with people who could mildly tolerate me if you follow anything I write about being the amazing reject!!! I am sickened by my sloth, yet as I'm disgusted by it I shove chips down my gullet and drink diet soda to watch my calories multiply and breed in my ass anyways. WTF

I read an article on an amazing woman who inspired me to change the back ground cartoon I was using to distract from my awesome day of pretty much same ol shit. Not her fault, I would love to blame her for my aching ass sitting here typing this however I can't, but I will cause it will make me feel better about my own decision of laziness and finger licken goodness of nacho cheese on my fingers! MMMMMMMM NACHOS.

I am not heavy by normal standards, at all, I diet, I exercise, I watch what I eat and intake water more than a fish, yet I catch myself in moments of self defeat and love to blame everything outside of my cranium. I ran a moronathon last year, not because I'm a hard core runner but because I decided I wanted to and wanted to say in my life I did it, and I did baby!!! Lost 5 toenails and couldnt walk for a week but by God I finished when many others didnt.

I'm tired of my own excuses, although I refuse to acknowledge that thing called "victim role" since it's a choice as an adult, and I'm tired of hearing others. So as I read about kick ass people out there I will continue to recognize and understand in reading how amazing they are I am still sitting here, ass aching, and dreaming of gas station nachos. mmmmmm nachos.

To those amazing people who do more than read about amazing people I salute you as I contemplate buying a pillow for my ass. To those who are like myself get the hell up and walk away from the cellulite cultivator we call the net and do something you have never done and have always wanted to do.

In my loserdome as a kid I dreamed of doing so much, one of which was to actually have friends hahahahaha awe I know sad right, nay. However I did aspire to do something I have never done before and that's be a part of something that helps those poor little bastards out there that were like me growing up, different. So to make myself be able to look in the mirror again without thinking "someday I'll be rad" I picked up the torch and ran like the foul mouthed wanna be runner I am and just went for it. I hope you all do the same, get off your asses, right after you read this my little blogtards, and do something that your mom can wipe her tears of shame from her eyes finally to make up for that video you made in college!

Now go get 'em my lil spider monkies!!!!

Never enough crazy!

Often, often, often I find myself dropping one liners not only out of boredom but to see reaction or create that uncomfortable feeling between two people that you can tell that hamster in their head kicked it into high gear and decided this comment needs further pondering. If you read my blog like my faithful blogtards you will understand this was developed for survival as the genetic freak in the sea of cool kids, now used for entertainment purposes.

It does take that special touch, that certain reach around to tickle the anus while they think your giving all attention to their lips. Leave them looking at you cross eyed trying to figure out.....did you just touch my ass? Its soooo much fun!!!!!

I have admit I few a few favorites that I put out there, one being when your standing next to someone pretending not to notice one another flipping through mags reporting how the famous people waste their time or drooling over the candy you know you shouldnt eat imagining the craters on your butt cheeks deepening with each delicious tid bit, I say smiling uncomfortably enthusiastic, "How about all that huh? I mean really how about it, it just blows your mind sometimes right!" The poor bastard is looking at you wondering if you are really talking to them, knowing to turn down such amazing conversation with a smile is blatantly rude however, this bitch is nuts, right?! I LOOOOVE it!! Sometimes I get the person who asks what I'm talking about however mostly its that nice gesture they want to feed but who wants to take the chance on getting sucked into that conversation with the crazy asshole that doesnt make sense to begin with. I also like to say in similar situations, "You know what, today is amazing and I wanted to make sure you're aware of that!" Again, enthusiasm can sell crazy, we've seen it from evangelicals to infomercials, it's all in presentation and if you do it with a smile it somehow makes it right.

Another is the tricky interruption liner, this can be a nasty little vermon to wrangle but once you figure it out you create the best moments of confusion ever. When two people are having a light hearted discussion just chime in with agreeance however compare it to something that has absolutely nothing to do with the topic, and walk away. I have in fact had this happen and I heard the two women laughing as they thought I was out of ear shot saying what was that about, I made them smile and think that's what that shits about. Two women in the mall were discussing arrangement of stores within the mall and how its set up to sell more and I chimed in, in passing, "For real it's like when you've had enough chinese food your about to burst and you get home and realize you didnt leave the oven on!" Then you walk away and go about your business, it works and its priceless. You can conjure up your own cranial tickles on the spot however much like douche hunting it takes the keen eye and wit to realize when it will have that effective punch with the potent stench of knowing someone in your apartment building is cooking fish but can't figure out where the hell it's coming from!

Here you bastards go, go ahead and promote crazy, it's fun and harmless!!!

Spreading The Spirit of VD

The Holocaust of foliage and the drunken conceivement of October babies it's that time of year we appreciate pasting that stupid grin on our face to say we have someone or reminded we live in a world of desolate suspension in that damn jello mould of life. Constantly having to watch the peach and banana rubbing while your the lone grape.







Yeah I know it, it could be sad and lonely and you appreciate Brazzers so much more scoffing at your friend who spent way too much money on a day dedicate to an American baby suffering obesity and a wing deformity shooting shit at people, and we think people who worship an elephant is weird?! However lets poke some fun at it since my fellow blogtards know that's what I do best!!!





Your not allowed to judge these people.....want to know why, at the end of the night they're performing half the dirty lists on Urban Dictionary and your laughing in a feeling of vacant inferior superiority, have fun with that!

What I do love is the designation of one day where a couple, mainly the man, is expected to have a night of romantic fulfillment set up for his love. Even then they are still battling over withered flowers and figuring out if a congratulations card or a sympathy and turn it into a joke card will work best cause that's all that's left. Ladies, don't pretend like you have unreasonable expectations either. After all I act like I have testosterone however I do have a vagina and I do know that we become competitive braggarts chomping at the bit to be able to share with every one on every social network how much your other half appreciates you with candy that will give a you complex with weight the next day and happily growing flowers being mutilated, genetically altered to enhance colors, and displayed for 4 days till they die and yes.......your still bitching about feeling fat.

Such a wonderful holiday laced with potential of failure and disappointment. I know your thinking damn it Mo stop being so cynical. Ok, fine, its a day where we also appreciate one another, get in one less fight, and probably bang our little hearts!! I love it, I truly love VD for the fact an idea put out there by the masses puts sickening pressure on a couple to perform in traditional love and one week after the day of glitter and rainbows BAM the reality your still with this person comes back and the high is gone and your back to envying the single person who decides they feel like road tripping cause they can and you cant!

I bet you thought this was about Venereal Disease didn't you you sick bastards, well, it is.
Now cheers to all of you single or taken, have a happy drunken night full of tomfoolery and shenanigans you will regret and brag for months and if your really lucky years, love you bastards!

You know us Utahians!!

Good ole Utah!!!! Where we still use handcarts to pick up flour at the shop and we all share one man in the hopes of being his bottom bitch! The idea of Utah precedes itself, you can ask anyone in the US, excluding Idaho cause it really should be Idatah, and they will either ask you questions about living in the compound or state horribly overheard obvious facts about it considering living there your completely oblivious to it! Ugh I get it, we're all polygamous mormons who are obedient slaves to our men pumping out babies like its as cool as scrap booking Lil Jimmy's first dump. If you are a blogtard and have actually been following my blogs you are probably aware of the fact I am not mormon and if I were I would get the tar and feather treatment off the temples property with them taking away my Jesus VIP house card to enter the grounds. To each their own and all that shit but it amazes me how much people are aware of the infamy of Utah and has never even experienced it, that's kick ass! High five Utah we rule!!!
The thing I recently heard blew my mind however, it was a story of my fathers over seas travels years ago which landed him in Mongolia. Mongols at that time were still farmers, herders and the richest man in the village had a tv and 5 channels!!! So for dinner he lands himself in the villages tavern with home cooked goulash and enough alcohol to sanitize Las Vegas. He sat down with a translator and about 6 Mongols who's chatter could be heard across the street. They order a full bottle of vodka and salute to ordering the bottle and everyone takes a shot together. They order food and they salute to that, they find out my fathers name and salute to that, and they salute to them saluting. What I'm getting at is they were drunk before the damn food even touched the table top and I'm pretty sure they saluted that as well! As they felt that liquid burning their stomachs they wanted to know where this hairy bastard with glasses was from, no translation needed for my fathers answer cause when he said Utah there was an explosion of hollers and more shots and loud commotion and laughing. Not wanting to be found in a irrigation ditch face down he joined them in celebrating absolutely nothing in his mind. They quieted down and asked the translator a very serious question which he turned to my father and stated "they want to know how many wives you have." WHAT!?!?!?!?!?! Sum bitch ditch diggers without cable and means of worldly knowledge daily actually knew what Utah was for, Mormons!!! Without understanding what they said all he heard was mormon over and over and he responded he had only one and they saluted that. They had a question for him then and asked why he only has one and he responded " if any of you are married then you would understand". At that point the conversation changed to marriage and women however my dad was still stunned that these back plow ditch digging men were fully aware of Utah, you could ask about Kentucky or Florida and I'm pretty sure they'd ask if those were in the United States however Utah around the world is known for Polygamy.....yeah we rock!
So with this please enjoy my fav disowned members......

Alright, round two of the sharing of how spectacularly lame I was as the bastard of the schoolyard! The picture above is me, not a boy you assholes, it's me. This was in 3rd grade and at this point the mullet had to go due to two facts; I wore headgear at the time AND my father thought me having long hair was just something more in the way than anything else.

I will elaborate on the headgear so the entirety of the 3rd grade bastard story will envelope your mind in insane Joker laughter and feeling sorry for a 3 legged dog. I had the barbaric headgear that formed a helmet face guard in front of my mouth and wrapped around the crown of my head. Brushing your hair with one of these things on was pretty much pointless considering I looked like I rubbed a damn balloon on my head at all times, so yes half the time I wouldn't brush it which let to my father hacking the rest off. Now these apparently I did not realize should be worn only at night time, and I did not learn of this crucial fact until later my dad admitted it to me and said he just wanted to speed up the process of fixing my teeth twice as fast, that rat bastard!

This year the school zoning changed so I figured a whole new school and new people I would be able to have friends this year and maybe, just maybe, I could be COOL!!!!!! Well...... that was a fucking bust between my haircut that Dorothy Hamil would cry over, my amazing football face gear, and at this point I started learning that there was a difference between boy and girl clothes, I was the reject everyone avoided YET AGAIN! Damn it! There were no bushes to hide in with a dying cat and I couldn't hide in the bathroom due to girls yelling at the ugly boy girl to get out of the girls bathroom and use the boys. RAD.

I did learn to only use the bathroom by the office and during class so there weren't those girls yelling at me, I rocked at survival, and I learned at lunch time I could sit near the boys table and kind of blend in so I could eat in peace and not try to be involved and be rejected. During recess they would have handstand contests on the grass hill, alright I can do this shit I was part boy after all. So I would go and join the girls and try, I did this for weeks and thought I blended in!! Alas once they were tired of the dork off to the side joining the competitions they had to point out to me nobody liked me and to go away. So in spite of them I would go to the side of the building and do a handstand against the wall and watch them fall. Not sure what the idea behind that was besides me thinking haha you keep falling and look at me watching you. Creepy loser staring at you upside down all recess with headgear on and crazy hair, holy shit it s a wonder that I ever did finds friends, really.

Two days will always stick out in my mind, the first being my father accidentally bleached some levis of mine, so to fix it he did that old dirty hippie move and match the rest of the pants with splotchy bleach marks. Right on dad although I thought I kicked ass turns out when you get off a bus feeling cool and a bunch of boys throw dirt clods at you and call you the accident you are in fact do not kick ass. In retrospect I was ahead of my time so fuck you boys who threw dirt clods at me!!! I did go that whole day with kids going out of their way to make sure I understood how ugly my pants were and my face matched them, ah the sweet sweet memories of school *sigh*

The second day I remember most was my picture above. School picture day! My grandma bought me a matching shorts and button tee, it was black and blue and I would never allow my children to be seen in public in something like that mind you, and asked if I would brush my hair and I did and thought wow I look pretty my dad isn't even making me wear my headgear!!!! Well apparently like my awesome bleached pants I resembled something less than pretty and in fact when I was about to follow my class for pictures my sweet teacher asked if I would come over to her desk. She brushed my hair down in the back better and put the necklace on my neck she was wearing. I thought OMG I rule my teacher put her necklace on me watch out bitches I am the best!!! NAY, damn it nay, she had to add ,"this way when they take your picture they know your a girl." MOTHER FUCKER...... oh yes in all caps cause I felt so hurt and remember instead laughed, guess who "accidentally" broke the necklace. Nope, I blamed the necklace breaking on another girl who had screamed me out of the bathroom to go use the boys multiple times hahahahahahahaha that's right I had a moment of revenge and I took it!

As rough as it may sound I had a lot of fun this year, I kicked ass on track and field day, seriously dominated that shit. Must have been the hours of standing on my hands everyday, and my grades were the best in the class!!! I had a few moments where people were nice to me, and I did have two people I actually could talk to sometimes, overall I was a loner and realized I'm OK with that cause that's the year I found sports. See so again, no pity without this awesome fail of cool kid I wouldn't have found athletics which I still love to this day. There will be more memories spewing from this blog soon, but tonight I'll leave you with a visual treasure....... This is why you use a wall dumb ass!

OOOOh it's different, lets throw stuff at it!

It seems recently that the type of child I was keeps coming up, how I was in school, how I was socially. Anything awkward or funny, which was the majority of it, seems to be those verbal gems that for humiliating purposes can please the masses. It's true, I am odd. I was raised like a boy by my amazing single dad who raised my brother and I alone, which may explain the awesome look above. Literally that bastard put a bowl on my head and cut from the back of the ear across the forehead, to the back of the other ear. Not to make me more girly with bangs but for function. It's hard to take a girl hiking and camping with her damn hair getting tangled and falling in her face.

I was a reject. That person who tried to sit by the teacher so she wouldn't be teased or I would try to make people laugh so they wouldn't beat me up. Kids are assholes, it's true, although most have grown out of that there are those few I would not mind knocking their teeth down their throat to this day, I won't lie! In grade school the cool thing was to have a box, like caboodles type shit or something, and put all sorts of flavors of chap sticks in it and you were really cool if you had the vibrator sized ones..... yeah I question why some of them bought those since you cannot convince me you need a centuries worth of cherry cola Lip Smackers. I thought I could fit in, I convince my dad who works his ass off to care for us to purchase me a 3 pack, I started my collection of popular tokens to become one of them!! Nay, when I got to school and busted out my bubble gum and 7 up flavored chap sticks they were gone!!! Not the tube the damn stick of chap shit itself was gone!!! I dug out my treasure which no one else had yet, the Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers and as I remove the lid there was teeth marks in the top of the fucking stick! My cursed brother had eaten my chap stick, that rat bastard! I was not allowed to jump rope without those tokens of entry so I found a place to hide in shame........the bushes on the side of the building.
At our grade school there was a little hill with bushes on the side of the building. I called it my hut and I hung out in the bushes of lonely loserdome ever recess and most lunches if no one could see me sneak in. It was tricky, the one time I was spied the kids decided to try and hit me with pebbles so in my awesome innovation instead of crying and hiding I turned it into a game of dodge the flying rocks that are being hurled at the dork in the bushes at mid level force!!! GOOD TIMES!!!! I also found a friend, not a bipedal kind but a feline who I am positive had mange and was quite possibly looking for a quiet place to kill over and here's this questionable sexed person petting it and giving it the attention it dearly wanted to avoid. There was also an important technique of getting out of said bushes and into the classroom without being noticed, the girls were always in first so I had to time my entry to the cruel world again between them and the boys who literally had spit on me numerous times trying to play on the playground, ah but that's another blog to explain. If I jumped out too late I was spotted and I was teased about being a jungle freak, if I were too early heaven forbid the cool girls saw this mullet topped girl crawling out of bushes and dirt, I was so good I was rarely spotted, that's right I fucking ruled at being a loser!!! The nostalgic excrement I have to confront when people say "oh I bet you were one of the popular girls" I laugh and say if you consider popular sitting in dirt in bushes alone with a cat trying to die by itself then, yes, I was popular.
The patheticness of my childhood is what I owe to who I am today however. I love that I was a reject and I absolutely love that I was teased and mocked for the fact I now have a sense of humor that is quicker witted than the popular kids best days AND I don't let the world get to me, ever. I'm not telling you these stories for pity, merely to make you understand my ass was garbage to most of societies young eyes at that point till I grew jugs.....yep another blog. I am so thankful my father wasn't the type to step in, let me fight my own damn battles for I am a pretty kick ass brood that can only hope my children have that little bit of torment to make them appreciate who they are and not care what others think. Damn I'm mean, well, I'm old school and that's just how I am.
Tomorrow I will continue my homage to kiddie radness so the spectrum continue to grows on the awareness of why my crazy ass is the way it is with no apologies to anyone, to be continued............

I give you..... more dopes with ropes!

O Mazing Mo

Yeah this song pretty much sums up my effect on my awesome singing talents. I received a text last night and they were singing Africa by TOTO. It impressed me still, through the giggles and patchiness only found in the talents at saloon karaoke underground bars, the words were all accurate. In fact this same day I was singing along to a song and some one said, "Mo, do you realize you just bunched together like four words into one that doesn't even exist yet it sounds similar." Damn lyric Nazi I was totally busted, shit. I do this ALOT, unless I take time for lyric.com, otherwise I say if it sounds like it, it works damn it.



This takes me back, waaaaaaay back into time when I was a young bastard in middle school. This started off on one American Idols judges favorite feet and I was heavily doped after having my wisdom teeth removed. I remember sitting in the waiting room for my dad watching the ceiling swirl and at that very moment ice cream came to mind, not just any ice cream, but ice cream from Charlies on the Boulevard was my favorite. As my father escorted me to our kick ass faux wood paneled station wagon we nick named the shaggin wagon since the irony was you could never get ass in that carpeted sun warped plastic awesomeness, I told him in a slurred sentence ,"m'icecrem pleez". Bless that bastards heart he knew what I was saying and off to Charlies we went! As I tried slurping down the vanilla goodness I looked around and was delighted at how vivid colors were, and how beautiful the sky was and my dads station wagon, and brown plaid interior, I was loving life and living on high!!!! The song Eternal Flame came on, at least that's what I remember it being so it may add to the fact my dad almost wet himself in tears over the most magnificent vocal performance ever, and I felt that fire within that couldn't be squelched by my sweet frozen treat. I belted in my mind was brilliant Grand Ol' Opry shit, I sang it out the window, I felt as if I was on top of the world and it was glorious!!! We get home and as the sedation and big meds wore off my father was teary eyed and wiping ice cream off my chin neck and told me to change my shirt. I look down and it looked as if the ice cream were in fact me orally pleasuring the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and there was the evidence. What the hell did I spill?!?! Nope, my father explained to me that while I was eating my ice cream I was drooling it in the first place since my entire mouth was numb, a song came on the radio and WHILE shoveling ice cream in my gullet I was belting incomprehensible words to it, at him, out the window at cars next to us, and also Made the big time move of tossing my hands in the air closing my eyes very serious like. That is NOT the way I remember it, mine was laced with gold and sprinkled with diamonds, the sky was changing colors so that should have tipped me off however I was basking in that moment of fail.

To this day my father will still bring that up, usually when someone drools icecream he loves telling them of this day I still argue was nothing short of magical! So sing your silly monkies, sing your damn hearts out if your tone def, can't understand the words, or if it's the wrong song, otherwise I will be the only asshole out there that does these things outside of the shower, and I simply cannot have that.

Summer Stoopid Syndrome

Ah tis the season for classic yard toy memories to come back and haunt us from the past with painful reminders of scars and wounded egos of our own or our parents ass-hattery. I love summer, absolutely love it for the fact the sun brings out the stupid in all of us. I remember so many toys in fact my family had us play on that is either outlawed or they do not make anymore for safety reasons, these in fact are some of my favorite memories to bring up since there is not one person out there who cannot relate.

One of my fondest memories was at my grandmas, all us young cousins hanging out, the adults drinking beer or gin and tonics in a tiny mining town, gave us yard darts. I may have spoke about this before but I'll do it again since it relates to summer stoopid syndrome (SSS). We were shoved outside to play with the lethal objects and told to throw them into circles on the lawn while others stood around said circles thinking they will magically go into the target area. Thanks family!!!! As one of the younger ones you know it ended in the older kids using us for target practice and ripping through locked screen doors to escape the bastard kin I have to claim as blood.

Lets not forget the hot metal action that spent all day searing with those translucent heat waves quivering above the shining steel objects being glazed in the sun. You know exactly what I'm talking about, those five story power slides that had one inch sides and nothing but gleaming metal glaring at you as your father says stop being a pussy and play damn it I have to get the briquettes going. To the people that developed those and thought they were genius, I want to also send you my hospital bills and also figure out a billing system on damages from the layers of flesh grilled onto the hot-plate-o-fun!!!

Merry go rounds, also metal, usually diamond plated, fun when its kids of equal strength. However, there was always that big kid or semi stumble drunk parent that wanted to see you go as fast as possible just to see someone fly. Myself I would stay toward the center, my brother not so much. I remember times when we would get that burner spinning so fast one of our neighborhood friends actually was sideways hanging on crying until his sweaty palms could not hang on any longer and he flew. Of course no one helped him we were playing and damn it it's not our fault, again I want to blame the slide people which I'm pretty sure after developing those "park equipment toys" had huge stock in the emergency care system across the nation.

Of course as shown at top there is the staple summer stoopid creator for all ages, the slip-n-slide. The older we get they turn more into huge sprawls of plastic laid out down massive hills or off of ramps going into lakes, pools, you name it sufferers of SSS thought of it. My favorite is assuming the water is actually all over the damn thing, with improper watering technique and the fail of realizing the hot vapor action from sun on plastic I love that 200 yard power run to find yourself come to a screeching halt and roll onto the grass or further down into where the water actually pooled in a dip on the slide. I am pretty sure my knees and elbows have scar tissue from years of self torture and learned childhood experiences.

There are so many old school toys that we all could look back on and say what the hell were we thinking as we recall the terror and treacherous meanderings we somehow survived!!! Please feel free to share your SSS experiences, or even better tell us blogtards your plans for this season!!!!

Tastefully Arrogant

I am in fact in love with Bruce Campbell, not just his rugged good looks and chin of greatness, but that arrogant bastard quality that makes even the most docile of people appreciate being in his presence. This man may in fact be the full package for me, however many others have this quality that yours truly so appreciates to the point of making pantie runs and not just from laughter!
It takes great skill to portray this persona, many ACT like they have it, but lack in delivery. We could go back over douche hunting and uncharacters however keep in mind they themselves show they truly do care what others think which disqualifies these tragic wannabes from true magnificence!!! The subtle oblivious nature of how big of an arrogant asshole coupled with a total lack of appreciating anything or one being at their stature makes these people in my mind candy coated fun time with a splash of sexy vodka ribbing!
A line that is used to distinguish these creamcicles from the otterpops is usually something like "Your primitive intellect would not understand." Whip me now, my God, do I ever love that line, truly! A primate reference is such an awesome feet of asshole I can't even begin to describe how excited I get when I hear that line being dropped by one of these guys!!!!



Will Ferrell in fact plays the perfect intellectual dumb ass wise guy in which I'm referring to in the above clip. He plays this character a lot and I can only hope he is in fact like this in reality or it will ruin my nightly escapades with Mr Rabbit!
He plays this "tone" quite often and delivers it wonderfully so one could only hope!
So much running through my mind on this topic, it does delve somewhat into my nerd love however there is a difference between knowledgeable arrogance and sublimely ignorant semi knowledge arrogance, which I find delicious!

I could go on and on but again Kevin Nealon is another one of these character which I absolutely adore, he always plays the bastard lawyer or know it all dickwad that you cannot help but love!!! From his character as the gay indecisive worthless arrogant lawyer in Anger Management, to his donkey braying orgasmic dope head in the series Weeds you cannot help but love his forward nature of stupid yet yummy arrogance, I sure as hell can't.

With all this naughty talk I will leave you with my "husbands", the courts say he cannot be drugged to accept vows of marriage psh stupid laws, Bruce Campbell's dirty talk that momma loves, if you don't like it, BLOW!

Never fear, Rajini is here!

Alright my fellow blogtards it has finally come to reality!!! I am sharing with my fellow life rejections one of my most treasured rejects ever!!! Bollywoods own Rajini Kanth, the Indian Bruce Lee/Charles Bronson/ Jackie Chan/ brilliance dipped in brown sugar, mmmmmmmm. This my friends is a special moment where I will share one of my favorite past time killers on the viral world we call life now. This silly bastard will astound, will blow you away, will make you try and wrap your mind around his perplexing radness. You may think I'm understating this dogma, this labrynth of perpetual crotch and funny bone tingles cause this my friends is the mother loads of bankrupt comedy I hope comes back to the U.S. again!!!

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If you pay attention to any of my blogging you will understand I have a deep attraction and appreciation to uncharacters, which he clearly is with a dash and sprinkle of epic bad ass that shadows all other douchetastic asshole. No he is not a douche for the fact he is revelled in his country as a demi God of action packed cinema WTFness and I too have fallen victim to his arrogant deliverance! Awe I know you watched the first video and now your curious, reviled, or simply amused, whichever it is you are now interested aren't you?!

To his amazing action sequences to his unstoppable mustache you know he is a man of greatness! There are so many scenes I can share, so many in which I have catalogued on my computer simply for the fact that I never want to miss out in case he goes secret agent and vanishes from our midst, I cannot lose him and I feel neither should you now my friends.

From a serious horse slide under a trailor to evade and or pursue criminals that must pay.......

... to the bunny hop that can dwarf all other bunny hops to have ever been attempted he is platinum stardom dipped in gold and rolled in diamonds!!!! You may asked yourself Mo you are weird as hell, how can you enjoy this, and I can answer the best I can if you do not appreciate how fantastic my man Rajini is, Suck It. Suck it long, and suck it hard cause like I have explicitly said before I do not care what you think, you are reading my meanderings in thought and life and by God you will bend the hell over and take what I have to give!!!!

Childhood Gloriousness!

This is my future, well maybe not mine so much as my brothers but I'm pretty sure with a twist of fate my demise will unfold in a similar fashion. Mo how horrible why would you say such a thing?!?!?! Let me explain, at the time of damnation we lived in the most upper class suburbs our little 3 light town cold offer. In houses just built next to the biggest trailer park and racehorse track this world has ever known. I grew up in what was considered "The Downs" and I will proudly say it still to this day knowing I am this rad bitch because of everything I experienced in the no rooftop life the area offered.
Our back yard was a desert, literally with tumbleweeds and everything, and it was honestly the best life I could have ever hoped for me and my children cause honestly to hell with city life! My brother shows up in our backyard with his friend and says look what I found in the desert!!! A shiny, no dirt in the wheels, worn leather wheelchair. I describe it as such for clearly it was NOT in the desert like all the fat and happy"starving" animals we brought home convincing our father they would have died if we didn't keep them. At the time none of the neighborhood kids cared, it's a flippen wheelchair and that means a good time when you're young! So we did what was expected of children between 8-13, we made it into a ride in our back yard using our fathers seven post he used hanging deer carcass up after a successful hunt! If I remember correctly we used bungee hooks and lariat rope and somehow someway we tethered it up about 4 feet off the ground and took the nail pin out of the upper post that rotated into the cemented post in the ground. Imagine if you will the swings at an amusement park, lifts you off the ground and starts to spin with fun music, screaming kids, and the geniuses who decided flip flops were perfect for an amusement park! We would climb into our stolen wheelchair of spinning death and we tied a rope at the end of the 7, perfect letter for imagery here, and run as hard and fast as we could to get that wheelchair flying!!! Now as little kids of course we couldn't get quite the velocity we were imagining with a sideways wheelchair and someone crying in the seat, so that's why we decided to ask one of the teenagers to help. Of course forward thinking wasn't quite developed in our skulls yet and once the big boy got an 8 year old spinning we did not anticipate the rose bushes were a tad too close for such shenanigans. My brother hit the rose bush and even more funny was spinning so hard and fast the wheelchair tore out some of the bush rooted in the ground. Yeah so what if it was hooked into his flesh, that's funny shit!!! So at the begging of all us kids we tried so hard to bandage and care for him the best we could, however much to our dismay when our father came home and saw a wheelchair hanging from his deer post and his son bleeding and bawling surrounded by kids scattering with adult presence dropping band aids and rubbing alcohol heading for those beautiful desert hills, the little bastards left me to take the heat until my brother could gather the breath to admit he "found" it in the desert.
So like all epic ends to amazing moments in history, I remember him cutting it down, apparently brownies and scouts paid off for us as far as knots, and the end to our stolen spinning wheelchair. However he DID allow us to keep it!!!
Now with that story of radness you now realize why I feel there is an ending out there just waiting for my brother and I, something so ironic, so twisted, and so great for the Darwin Awards that this story just had to be shared. I feel awful thinking of some grandma or grandpa possibly slowly walking or even worse dragging themselves in those puppy tears asking to the heavens "why would someone do such a thing?". Damn it if I feel sadness yet that is definitely shadowed by how great and awesome that memory was of "THE DOWNS!"
So please enjoy this it's in honor of how awesome us hillbillies truly are!

Dropping a yule log!

Christmas joy for every girl and boy, no matter what age! Ebbing, oh this wonderful day is ebbing, licking the shore wave by wave until it touches your toes, engulfs your body, and pretty soon your drowning in the splendor of debt, hangovers, and regretful situations with the family! It must be done, we must tackle this time of year with a smile on our face, a dent in our credit, and enough "spirits" to last us till after new years! I do get stressed and put way to high of expectations on myself and others in aim for that perfect bulls eye of a holiday I hope will be perfect yet usually goes awry. How do I cope, with those movies filled with awesomeness joys of the season that's how!

It usually begins with my favorite children's classic A Christmas Story. Everyone has their favorite unforgettable moments in this movie, and trust me there are many many to choose from. I anticipate the epic battle of the leg lamp myself. Personally I am not too sure why the mother has such an issue with the hot leg glowing in the snowy gloom of her front window, if it were me I would illuminate the shit out of the outside of the window merely to draw my neighbors attention and focus to that glorious gam! The bunny outfit is also great, I also bite my nails and sit on edge waiting, just waiting for the end where they eat dinner in the Chinese restaurant. My grandmother would get so mad at me when we would sing and I had to add "Fa ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra" to Hark the Herald Angels Sing!!!! By far one of my favorite parts due to the fact it's offending someone out there and it is in fact true to every Chinese buffet I have eaten at so far.

I also have a fascination with Bad Santa. Not so much the Santa character, to be quite honest he's an idiot in the movie and if I could slap somebody through the tv it would be his character for their effort to re create prior characters. I watch it for Bernie Mac and Jon Ritter, I love that duo, the meek and the ass! When I watch that movie I get bored and zone out up until the parts where these two come into action, there comedic gesturing toward one another is extraordinary and makes for the most uncomfortably genius scenes I could hope for!

Scrooged is another I can't get enough of, I could watch that movie on replay if I could. Bill Murray is wonderful and a gift to us from the sarcasm of the creator and I think his role in this is so bastard I fall deeper and deeper in love with him! There are so many great parts to this groin warming holiday spirit filled cinema, like the ever memoral moment where the animal trainer
truly had a concern that he couldn't keep the antlers on the mice head for the movie and Bill suggested frustrated to just staple them on hahahaha Oh my that is fantastic! Like the picture from the movie on here I truly have an appreciation for an aggressively hateful relationship where the bad guy just cannot get ahead in the battle! The pretty sparkly bubbly sweetheart kicks the living tar out of him and I get giddy and tingle everywhere watching this power struggle! This is a movie that has been forgotten by a lot of people and I for one find myself saddened when I am told they've never heard of it.

And finally, Gremlins. Oh yes, the first Gremlins where they sabotage and destroy an entire city which consisted of maybe 60 people and havoc bars and theatres with advanced thinking skills much like primates with a cockroach ass. Weirdest and most phenomenal work of art and I still want a gizmo and still would love to go to battle in a hardware store against some big bastard named Stripe. I would adore these little sewer monkey's if they came to my house and sang a Christmas carol, then throw them in a microwave or blender! I still watch this and try to figure out why Phoebe is so panicked at the bar, I myself would serve the hardest shit I could find, they're not driving home let the good times roll baby! With that I must run and leave you with a great Gremlin moment and I hope you enjoyed this quick yule log I've dropped into my poor blogtards laps, ENJOY!

Amazingly Hostless!

- Myspace Layouts,Graphics, and Comments!


Tis the season, yet again another dedication to being the best fake person you can be just so you can make it through the wonderful time of year we all sober up in February from for a toast to 9 more months of being yourself! Not this gal, I try my hardest to surprise the hell out of my guests, hopefully so much that by the time they leave without so much as a whisper there is an understanding Mo is definantly not OK and in fact lets avoid alone time with her. It is all, yet again, in presentation, like this carrot. If I found this carrot I would dehydrate it, pin it perfectly in an up standing position so that when I have dinner guests that would be the unmentioned centerpiece as I play Betty Crocker to people who are despising me with every forced smile!


Another trick is the before show treats, My house will smell of cinnamon and baked cookies but I will bring out on a crystal serving dish is perfectly laid sardines and water crackers. Is it to piss off friends, guests and loved ones, nah I just enjoy how people really go out of their way to be appreciative and torture themselves with traditions of the household as not to offend the host. Yes I am the person who takes full advantage of awkward situations, and yes I realize I have reserved seating in hell for exploiting such situation but damn it you only live once and at this time of year the expectation is so high on cheer that why not throw the mind altering possibly emotional damaging nail in the cogs!!?? Yes that is a carrot as the centerpiece that looks as if it has a ginormous penis, and no I'm not offended if you don't eat the sardines, it was worth a shot!


I may have to do another blog considering I honestly do put in a lot of effort creating horribly strange, uncomfortable situations just to test the waters with anyone who dares enter. One of the funnest I do is perfect picture placement, possibly collages or dedications. For example the best place for a quick photo in frame placement of the man of the house, the host, your uncle, your dad, is the back of the toilet. It has to be a man, worthless you say however nothing makes a man feel more violated than having another dude watch him urinate, if they are new to the house I guarantee they won't touch it but not be able to look the host in the eye for the rest of the night!!! TRY IT! For the ladies or the brave men who dare to stank up a strangers bathroom the creepy guy in a fun frame on the wall in front of the toilet is a perfect addition to the onslaught of mental violation they will lay in bed discussing later that night!

This is in fact one of my favorites I'm sharing, it could possibly be a sibling, it could possibly be a a cousin, fact is most likely again they will avoid using your bathroom due to their own imaginations creating a fun fantastical episode of drama surrounding this lonely photo you dusted off and hung in their honor! The honored photo, this is tricky only because you do not want to draw sympathy with it, you want only attention that you know in their heads they're thinking What The Hell. You can in fact be ultra creative like myself and add candles around it, a little cup that says worlds best dad with a picture of you as a kid leaning up against this photo showing your love for dad, however the photo isn't dad my friends. It a psychological bending over that they will ask about to respect your admiration for your father or whomever it's dedicated to but honestly they are laughing inside counting down to the seconds they can get in their car and speed off mocking it!

Heres a bonus tip for anyone making this attempt, if you use black and white, hint of nostalgia always gets them in the heart, it sets a tone of respect. Black and white symbolically are unarguable colors, note the term itself it's as simple as black and white. Use this to your advantage, wherever you entertain set up the honor photo such as my "dads" honor photo seen above. Maybe draw some stick people holding hands under a rainbow left handed and some dried flowers laying by it. Oh you know, you know they are crying inside to burst out in a fit of tearful joy at this poor blokes beauty, but out of situational respect they won't! I guess I am truly giving away my own secrets I use for psychological violation so when I do have any of my poor readers over they will know better damn it, however I will spread this wealth of behavior to you to try if you haven't already. I will be making more installments of mental violation trust me however today it just felt too appropriate to hopefully allow someone else to mentally blackmail and laughingly stroke emotionally with these fun and easy joy filled acts! Happy holidays everybody!

No place like home!

My God I have hit the jack pot of all sites my friends, I now feel that my own family is in fact socially acceptable in more situations than bars, emergency rooms, and police stations! We actually could have more blood out there infecting the world one broken condom at a time!!! Hell who am I kidding condom don't feel the same right?!?!?!
Please please look closely at these treasures I picked and chose from on the site I will post at the end of this and appreciate that these people can be anyone out there we look past on our daily routines! Caught forever in frozen time, moments you and I can appreciate with humor, respect and I fucking love them and I don't even know them! Above the title to this pic was "Has anyone seen Aunt Telcia?" look close and it's the Where's Waldo for us simple minded folk out here who now want to do this same photo for others to try and catch. If you say no then I will call you a liar, simple, yet elegant drunken thought was put into this family photo I now treasure!!!

I have hit the mother effing load here, these two brutes pose in the sexiest way imaginable to themselves and I sure as hell will not pass up such an opportunity to exploit that! The gentleman in the form fitting grey ensemble has a mysterious beckoning stance at which you question, is he in the process of moving forward or stepping backward forgetting to suck in widening his stance to be sure the small bulge will be noticed in his grandmothers polyester Sears pants. Mullet stud on the other hand went for the more forward approach, he is sexy and damn it he means it! A more natural stance, holding the wrist up like "oh my, you caught my in my leopard banana hammock checking the time in a photo studio", EPIC! Feathered business is absolutely breathtakingly hero that this man actually thought today is one of which I will be sexy in the most timeless way I can. Magnificent!

Alright dads, and this is why you are not allowed to be photographed when you play with children.

We are all very very aware that you treat them like the gi Joes you marred and buried in great aunts flower garden, but for the love of God stop pushing them onto slip and slides with no water,

and stop throwing them across rooms when chances are we all know we will be visiting the emergency room once again knowing when the doctors and nurses look at you they're are thinking I am reporting this SOB stat! They are not toys!!!! However on a side note I want to thank the mommies who did not step in, who probably was too loaded to give a shit and/or but not limited to, was bored and knew if she waited she would have an excuse to fight with daddy to avoid sex later. I know how you women think, and men, this usually is the ONLY reason why w sober women will let you toss their kids around for fun.

Alright I'm having too much fun and absolutely dieing over this web site so here is the last set before I release you heathens into the virtual world of insanity I so adore!

The creepy family photos that we all run the scenarios of what they could possibly be thinking when the were taken. No little Ping, you you suck at stacking blocks, you be no doctor, you sit over there now!!! Mo quit hahaha no lets continue shall we. Black and white are supposed to be

classic, nostalgic, influential to today's society reminding us of honestly how big of pussies we are in comparison. However, I see these of my own Serbian blood family working the rail roads and mines in Nevada and think to myself sometimes, they ate blood sausage, they slaughtered their own food, they would have the new guy take off his clothes and throw them off the train in the middle of winter on their way to school, Holy shit these people scare the living hell out of me!!! FYI the train story is true, my family rocks and frightens me! The black and white was most likely supposed to be a serene happy one with photos angled in the background, the man sitting forward asserting his penis stance into the posture, so what the hell is up with exorcist on the left. She honestly scares the shit out of me and to see this picture larger go to the following website I post right before I curl myself up into a ball of fear in my comforter hoping that it isn't true that the most random thing you don't think twice about is in fact what you dream that night. I hope you all enjoyed and please check this site out, it is my Eloi ( nod to HG Wells people) of my virtual roaming!

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/

and with that I must leave you this, one of us one of us one of us................gooble gobble, I accept you

Not all bars are meant to be lowered!

Ah the blessed holiday season, the time of year where it's socially acceptable to be a drunken fool for many reasons all of which in reality is not a real reason, yet we cling to it and fashion that excuse, tailor it so we can wrap it around us tightly cuddled in the warm bliss of it till you realize you've urinated on yourself the next morning. I love finding those excuses, much like children, we don't want to really explain what happened so we cover it with a slobbering self of pity and entitlement, and that's ok!!! Trust me there is not one person out there who hasn't experienced the mental heroine that makes us feel on cloud nine till we wake up to the cold reality that we could elude for as long as possible. Be it a new sex partner, that new drink we love, or the euphoric bliss of something that just absolutely stimulates just the right places in/on you and then POW, holy stupid choices batman this isn't what I expected. I'm sorry but those moments are absolutely titillating, they embody that inner desire we so desperately want to fulfill yet hold back due to social judgement or even worse, a moral effing anchor.

There are soooooo many moments in my life I have embarrassment attached to yet those are the first I share with anyone who is unfortunate enough to give me the time of day. The majority are alcohol induced mishaps that we all like to call "life's lessons." Realistically they're still embarrassing as hell and the punchline to any story battle "really? well wait till you hear what I did, or what happened to me!".

Well here's is probably the most perfect example of a skewed fantastical reality, you think your rockin, and in that weird "oh my gosh look at the horribly inebriated guy dance lets all cheer him on" kind of way you are. However, we all know when you wake up the next morning with an anvil in your skull, bruises in places you didn't realize could ever bruise, and coyote ugly laying in bed naked and snoring off your vodka induced mental coma, you take that moment to say to yourself What the..... Damn it! Your reasoning for this? Perhaps a bad break up, or your cat muffy died, or my fav you lost your job, which in itself drinking like a fish is defeating of that money situation but who cares! Hey I'm not here to judge, I've had my experiences in tequila wonderland, and I'm pretty sure theres evidence out there proving it, in fact I love when people can poke fun at those moments, embracing them before they have that opportunity to feel guilty after someone for whatever reason wants you to feel bad for it. I say NAY!

I don't condone promiscuity, although it comes with the territory and lets face it, just read two blogs ago and shut your face. Nor do I condone drunk driving, people take their damn keys and let them throw a fit, who cares, if your skilled you can take that energy and make them tear it up on a pool table or anywhere where they imagine there's music be it a slot machine or someones cell phone, oh yeah I'm a great 15 second bust a move lady! We all suffer the morning after we're awaken to writing on our faces, photos, video, lets face it, it happens! Bad decisions are a piece of natural law, and by God I take full responsibility in my part to teach others from my own mistakes. If they are like me they must discover this wonderful world themselves, no one can direct them just maybe corral it just a bit.

We all have folk in our lives whether it be ourselves or spouse or great Aunt twice removed, it's a good damn time and thank you for your dumb decisions, your prolific life awakenings through self humiliation, and lets face it, without them we wouldnt have stories to embarrass the shit out of each other with at the worst possible moment such as but not limited to: Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, wedding toast, and the all time greatest the day which puts emphasis on love through an epic massacre, Valentines day, otherwise known as VD remembrance day!!! You all know who you are out there and I love each and every one of you for it!!! Feel free to post embarrassing moments which I'm sure this has stirred in someone that time in their lives they just want off their chest but would never live the glory down!

Epic Dorkdom Yummyness!

I am THAT chick who has that unbelievably insatiable lust for a tall, BCG wearin nerd with intelligence. They are the hidden gems within our society, the understated unappreciated gold mine that I refuse to share with anyone else! I'm not talking about dudes that made it big with their ideas now every chick wants them cause he's loaded, I'm talking mental stamina of a stallion, they should be enslaved by me as a middle eastern female sheik! Oh yes those dudes, their unique capability to make us think and laugh all in one and just when you thought you had to run to the bathroom before you wet yourself ( wink wink) they give you that awkward sense of silence to ponder what they just said yet all your thinking is, where is the nearest piece of material to gag this poor bastard so no one will hear his screams as I take out this inner frustration on him over and over and over....., well you get my point.

Stephen Colbert as seen above is a quite possibly the most perfect example of my future pets I have, passionate, witty, dead sexy, if it weren't for those silly little laws about stalking people, which is clearly outdated he would be chained in my bedroom making me giggle all night!

Andy Samberg, he is more on the side of goofball yummy but none the less you know he was that hot geek I so fantasized about in high school while I had numbers dropped from douchebag meathead suave' moronic jockey boys. My looks defeated who I was on the inside, my outgoing personality, forwardness and ginormous "brains" scared these perfect creatures away and I was stuck with the dude sitting in the bar still wearing his lettermans jacket ten years later types. Andy was exactly who I tried to sit next to, they were smart, funny and you just knew beneath that awkward obsession with whatever juvenile thing they clung to to unravel the mysteries of it before their other nerd buddies did there was an animal waiting to please and dominate every part of you!

Ben Stein, although not quite as attractive to the naked eye, he is by far the definition of mental sex. He is educated, eloquent and a mental God with how referenced and refined this normal every day nerd is. By far the most overlooked I would consider him my most valuable due to what he could teach you while you teach him a thing or two! Ladies and gentleman I know by know your thinking Mo your crazy but I know there is a small voice inside that grey matter that says, nothing gets me more hot than mental stimulation, and I can answer that for you if you question it! Visual cues of hotness only last as long as it takes to fire it off, if you get what I'm saying, but mental stimulation is far lasting, knowledge is not only key in this life, it's effing sexy! Teach me Quantum Physics, teach me how engines function, teach me Nano Tech and you will find yourself in the kung fu death grip of my thighs I kid you not!

Following are pictures of those imaginary geeks we all pretended or pretend we do not lust after but need to change our underpants after watching whatever scene they made us giggle at right before the main guy takes over for the punchline. Men, I realize you may think this blog is not fair since it's only about men, well I don't care and you can respond with your own idea of hot she nerds but maybe you can take this blog as a hint, we do appreciate a nice bod but it's what makes us think that really makes a woman HOT!!! If I'm lieing I'm Crying and I ain't shed a tear! Good day and enjoy!

Soiled Doves, my naughty obsession!

I will admit it. I can't get enough of these stories of Americas old west and how women made that journey in so many different ways but none more fascinating to me than the Soiled Doves. I will not point out the horrible disgusting mistreatment of these women due to my blog being one of fun and good humor, I'll let you research it all on your own through tears and nausea of what these women and girls of ill repute endured to simply try and live. This is that one moment we can have an appreciation for the shoe prints on the ceiling lifestyle not all chose but were a part of.
I'll start by pointing out that most women do in fact have a fascination and/or questions of this sexually driven lifestyle. If you pretend you have no interest I will call you a liar to your face with a smile cause we all know deep down we all want to be a little whorish for the men or women in our lives. The dirty hotel visits or naughty lingerie and the behind doors escapades that keeps those companies in business we like to say are so disgusting. I have known strippers, call girls, and for a Sociology paper I wrote and presented, I went to little mining town and interviewed these red light delights at a cat house. Yep I did get an A and I'll be damned if not every dude and most girls asked how to get there, of course it was back alley in the middle of the night on a Tuesday questioning on their part but that is in fact how I know, we are all just a little interested. (wink wink)
Why oh why do we buy each other those naughty bridal shower gifts, or have one last singles night, or have those home parties where it's ok to giggle at those ginormous vibrators and tingle creams then hurry to that back room and put in that order ASAP!?!?!?! I will tell you why and that is even the most prudish of us have a little closet whore peeking for that moment, that perfect time when it will be acceptable and they won't be judged for satisfying that urge some pretend not to have then whack off to God knows what in their bathroom with the tub and sink running. Do I salute prostitutes and the lifestyle, not so much, however I do salute that sexual freedom they have, the feeding of that carnal desire so many like to judge others for! Unleash it, safely of course but damn it so many head cases these days would most likely behave semi normal if they just unload the gun or allow a little Mario Bros to come in and do what they do best!

Sex, sex, sex, penis, vagina, tits, boobs, rectum..... I could go on and on to try and scare some readers away and it is fun, you better believe I'm typing it with a smile hee hee but the point is it's only bad, you only judge, and these embedded emotions to these words, ideas and Harlots stem from your own experiences otherwise it would make you smile too.

Women of the old west, some, took this idea and ran with it, used it, sucked it dry (teehee, stop it Mo) and embraced the talent of seduction and love, like douche bags of today's society and made a life with it. All in all we all have a little bit of slut in us, it's only the brave who can admit to it, take it by the horns and wrestle it into the pretzel we oh so yearn to experience from the big mechanic with dirty hands, smears on his face and size 14 steel toe work boots!

I don't want a desensitized public to it, we have Las Vegas and Europe for the outright immodest, I appreciate this balance in life we will call checks and balances, extremes from both side. I like how I live in a state which has the faux existence of piety so they don't make their families ashamed at what they did at the rootbeer parties that was just a same sex deal. No worries, I won't tell!

This blog is fun, it is ebbing on what runs through every ones mind every so often, more often than so, and I have no qualms in your utter distaste in my forward nature, I love me!!! I bet secretly, your starting to like me, just a little!

Knives Weilders Unite!

Today is the day my friends, one of which we have an appreciation for the skills of those who have talent, fortitude and sheer will to master what we all dream to. Carving into the flesh of our fallen fowl brethren! Try and pretend you don't enjoy slicing into that protein filled delicacy, mouth watering as you think to yourself " it's so tender it's just falling off the bone!" Yummay!!!

It's a day the family can all get together and celebrate how thankful they are that we all can actually get together and enjoy that first ten minutes of comfortable bliss. The expectation of family fun far exceeds the reality yet every year we imagine that this year will be different! Ah I love that, I love that there is that heated argument over why their political beliefs are superior to the other, the religious debate using their own judgement pointing out it's up to God to judge and you base your judgement on his shoulders, and the ever favorite the drunk who spills the beans to a secret NO ONE was supposed to know now someone is in tears on the door step watching their own breath saying to themselves why oh why. I LOVE ALL OF IT!

I do have a picture of my own grandmother saying we're number one but I won't post it due to, it's not my bloggers biznaz who I am on that level, sorry folks. When I see this I remember one holiday where we were all sitting in our Nanas living room drinking tea, eating pie, abusing alcohol like it deserves, while two 70 year old women were washing dishes. What a horrible family to make them do dishes your thinking but oh no let me inform you that these two Serbian broods are steel to the core and no one else can clean a dish like they can so stay the hell out! My grandmother and Aunt were washing when we suddenly heard "You Bitch!" over our family banter in the living room. Next I heard the best thing I've ever heard and that was my frail Nana (aunt) at her whole 90 lbs with her Darth Vader oxygen tank say ,"Fuck you I'll choke you!" Oh my hell this was the angels singing so did we intervene, riiight, my father whipped that camera around he was documenting every stupid attempt at being funny by us regulars to this ultimate fight of the effing century, are you kidding me! We all struggling, stumbling over one another trying to sneak a peek at the glory that our higher power bestowed on us that fine Thanksgiving evening! Alas it ended when my other Aunt wrestled her way through the cheering mass and separated them, did I mention they were cleaning knives? God bless this treasured holiday memory, the ambiance of what all holidays are set to! What were they fighting over, well come to find out they were arguing who would be helping our elderly uncle home and us serbian bloods know the true way to settle any feud is with brute force, some gin, and excessive vulgarity. What am I thankful for today, slaughtered turkeys, wine, and my wonderful family who I have shared the most epic memories of and with!!! Have a great day everybody, and to those with electric knives, your a pussy foot disgrace to us dedicated flesh carvers!