Alright, round two of the sharing of how spectacularly lame I was as the bastard of the schoolyard! The picture above is me, not a boy you assholes, it's me. This was in 3rd grade and at this point the mullet had to go due to two facts; I wore headgear at the time AND my father thought me having long hair was just something more in the way than anything else.

I will elaborate on the headgear so the entirety of the 3rd grade bastard story will envelope your mind in insane Joker laughter and feeling sorry for a 3 legged dog. I had the barbaric headgear that formed a helmet face guard in front of my mouth and wrapped around the crown of my head. Brushing your hair with one of these things on was pretty much pointless considering I looked like I rubbed a damn balloon on my head at all times, so yes half the time I wouldn't brush it which let to my father hacking the rest off. Now these apparently I did not realize should be worn only at night time, and I did not learn of this crucial fact until later my dad admitted it to me and said he just wanted to speed up the process of fixing my teeth twice as fast, that rat bastard!

This year the school zoning changed so I figured a whole new school and new people I would be able to have friends this year and maybe, just maybe, I could be COOL!!!!!! Well...... that was a fucking bust between my haircut that Dorothy Hamil would cry over, my amazing football face gear, and at this point I started learning that there was a difference between boy and girl clothes, I was the reject everyone avoided YET AGAIN! Damn it! There were no bushes to hide in with a dying cat and I couldn't hide in the bathroom due to girls yelling at the ugly boy girl to get out of the girls bathroom and use the boys. RAD.

I did learn to only use the bathroom by the office and during class so there weren't those girls yelling at me, I rocked at survival, and I learned at lunch time I could sit near the boys table and kind of blend in so I could eat in peace and not try to be involved and be rejected. During recess they would have handstand contests on the grass hill, alright I can do this shit I was part boy after all. So I would go and join the girls and try, I did this for weeks and thought I blended in!! Alas once they were tired of the dork off to the side joining the competitions they had to point out to me nobody liked me and to go away. So in spite of them I would go to the side of the building and do a handstand against the wall and watch them fall. Not sure what the idea behind that was besides me thinking haha you keep falling and look at me watching you. Creepy loser staring at you upside down all recess with headgear on and crazy hair, holy shit it s a wonder that I ever did finds friends, really.

Two days will always stick out in my mind, the first being my father accidentally bleached some levis of mine, so to fix it he did that old dirty hippie move and match the rest of the pants with splotchy bleach marks. Right on dad although I thought I kicked ass turns out when you get off a bus feeling cool and a bunch of boys throw dirt clods at you and call you the accident you are in fact do not kick ass. In retrospect I was ahead of my time so fuck you boys who threw dirt clods at me!!! I did go that whole day with kids going out of their way to make sure I understood how ugly my pants were and my face matched them, ah the sweet sweet memories of school *sigh*

The second day I remember most was my picture above. School picture day! My grandma bought me a matching shorts and button tee, it was black and blue and I would never allow my children to be seen in public in something like that mind you, and asked if I would brush my hair and I did and thought wow I look pretty my dad isn't even making me wear my headgear!!!! Well apparently like my awesome bleached pants I resembled something less than pretty and in fact when I was about to follow my class for pictures my sweet teacher asked if I would come over to her desk. She brushed my hair down in the back better and put the necklace on my neck she was wearing. I thought OMG I rule my teacher put her necklace on me watch out bitches I am the best!!! NAY, damn it nay, she had to add ,"this way when they take your picture they know your a girl." MOTHER FUCKER...... oh yes in all caps cause I felt so hurt and remember instead laughed, guess who "accidentally" broke the necklace. Nope, I blamed the necklace breaking on another girl who had screamed me out of the bathroom to go use the boys multiple times hahahahahahahaha that's right I had a moment of revenge and I took it!

As rough as it may sound I had a lot of fun this year, I kicked ass on track and field day, seriously dominated that shit. Must have been the hours of standing on my hands everyday, and my grades were the best in the class!!! I had a few moments where people were nice to me, and I did have two people I actually could talk to sometimes, overall I was a loner and realized I'm OK with that cause that's the year I found sports. See so again, no pity without this awesome fail of cool kid I wouldn't have found athletics which I still love to this day. There will be more memories spewing from this blog soon, but tonight I'll leave you with a visual treasure....... This is why you use a wall dumb ass!