Amazingly Hostless!

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Tis the season, yet again another dedication to being the best fake person you can be just so you can make it through the wonderful time of year we all sober up in February from for a toast to 9 more months of being yourself! Not this gal, I try my hardest to surprise the hell out of my guests, hopefully so much that by the time they leave without so much as a whisper there is an understanding Mo is definantly not OK and in fact lets avoid alone time with her. It is all, yet again, in presentation, like this carrot. If I found this carrot I would dehydrate it, pin it perfectly in an up standing position so that when I have dinner guests that would be the unmentioned centerpiece as I play Betty Crocker to people who are despising me with every forced smile!


Another trick is the before show treats, My house will smell of cinnamon and baked cookies but I will bring out on a crystal serving dish is perfectly laid sardines and water crackers. Is it to piss off friends, guests and loved ones, nah I just enjoy how people really go out of their way to be appreciative and torture themselves with traditions of the household as not to offend the host. Yes I am the person who takes full advantage of awkward situations, and yes I realize I have reserved seating in hell for exploiting such situation but damn it you only live once and at this time of year the expectation is so high on cheer that why not throw the mind altering possibly emotional damaging nail in the cogs!!?? Yes that is a carrot as the centerpiece that looks as if it has a ginormous penis, and no I'm not offended if you don't eat the sardines, it was worth a shot!


I may have to do another blog considering I honestly do put in a lot of effort creating horribly strange, uncomfortable situations just to test the waters with anyone who dares enter. One of the funnest I do is perfect picture placement, possibly collages or dedications. For example the best place for a quick photo in frame placement of the man of the house, the host, your uncle, your dad, is the back of the toilet. It has to be a man, worthless you say however nothing makes a man feel more violated than having another dude watch him urinate, if they are new to the house I guarantee they won't touch it but not be able to look the host in the eye for the rest of the night!!! TRY IT! For the ladies or the brave men who dare to stank up a strangers bathroom the creepy guy in a fun frame on the wall in front of the toilet is a perfect addition to the onslaught of mental violation they will lay in bed discussing later that night!

This is in fact one of my favorites I'm sharing, it could possibly be a sibling, it could possibly be a a cousin, fact is most likely again they will avoid using your bathroom due to their own imaginations creating a fun fantastical episode of drama surrounding this lonely photo you dusted off and hung in their honor! The honored photo, this is tricky only because you do not want to draw sympathy with it, you want only attention that you know in their heads they're thinking What The Hell. You can in fact be ultra creative like myself and add candles around it, a little cup that says worlds best dad with a picture of you as a kid leaning up against this photo showing your love for dad, however the photo isn't dad my friends. It a psychological bending over that they will ask about to respect your admiration for your father or whomever it's dedicated to but honestly they are laughing inside counting down to the seconds they can get in their car and speed off mocking it!

Heres a bonus tip for anyone making this attempt, if you use black and white, hint of nostalgia always gets them in the heart, it sets a tone of respect. Black and white symbolically are unarguable colors, note the term itself it's as simple as black and white. Use this to your advantage, wherever you entertain set up the honor photo such as my "dads" honor photo seen above. Maybe draw some stick people holding hands under a rainbow left handed and some dried flowers laying by it. Oh you know, you know they are crying inside to burst out in a fit of tearful joy at this poor blokes beauty, but out of situational respect they won't! I guess I am truly giving away my own secrets I use for psychological violation so when I do have any of my poor readers over they will know better damn it, however I will spread this wealth of behavior to you to try if you haven't already. I will be making more installments of mental violation trust me however today it just felt too appropriate to hopefully allow someone else to mentally blackmail and laughingly stroke emotionally with these fun and easy joy filled acts! Happy holidays everybody!