Summer Stoopid Syndrome

Ah tis the season for classic yard toy memories to come back and haunt us from the past with painful reminders of scars and wounded egos of our own or our parents ass-hattery. I love summer, absolutely love it for the fact the sun brings out the stupid in all of us. I remember so many toys in fact my family had us play on that is either outlawed or they do not make anymore for safety reasons, these in fact are some of my favorite memories to bring up since there is not one person out there who cannot relate.

One of my fondest memories was at my grandmas, all us young cousins hanging out, the adults drinking beer or gin and tonics in a tiny mining town, gave us yard darts. I may have spoke about this before but I'll do it again since it relates to summer stoopid syndrome (SSS). We were shoved outside to play with the lethal objects and told to throw them into circles on the lawn while others stood around said circles thinking they will magically go into the target area. Thanks family!!!! As one of the younger ones you know it ended in the older kids using us for target practice and ripping through locked screen doors to escape the bastard kin I have to claim as blood.

Lets not forget the hot metal action that spent all day searing with those translucent heat waves quivering above the shining steel objects being glazed in the sun. You know exactly what I'm talking about, those five story power slides that had one inch sides and nothing but gleaming metal glaring at you as your father says stop being a pussy and play damn it I have to get the briquettes going. To the people that developed those and thought they were genius, I want to also send you my hospital bills and also figure out a billing system on damages from the layers of flesh grilled onto the hot-plate-o-fun!!!

Merry go rounds, also metal, usually diamond plated, fun when its kids of equal strength. However, there was always that big kid or semi stumble drunk parent that wanted to see you go as fast as possible just to see someone fly. Myself I would stay toward the center, my brother not so much. I remember times when we would get that burner spinning so fast one of our neighborhood friends actually was sideways hanging on crying until his sweaty palms could not hang on any longer and he flew. Of course no one helped him we were playing and damn it it's not our fault, again I want to blame the slide people which I'm pretty sure after developing those "park equipment toys" had huge stock in the emergency care system across the nation.

Of course as shown at top there is the staple summer stoopid creator for all ages, the slip-n-slide. The older we get they turn more into huge sprawls of plastic laid out down massive hills or off of ramps going into lakes, pools, you name it sufferers of SSS thought of it. My favorite is assuming the water is actually all over the damn thing, with improper watering technique and the fail of realizing the hot vapor action from sun on plastic I love that 200 yard power run to find yourself come to a screeching halt and roll onto the grass or further down into where the water actually pooled in a dip on the slide. I am pretty sure my knees and elbows have scar tissue from years of self torture and learned childhood experiences.

There are so many old school toys that we all could look back on and say what the hell were we thinking as we recall the terror and treacherous meanderings we somehow survived!!! Please feel free to share your SSS experiences, or even better tell us blogtards your plans for this season!!!!

Tastefully Arrogant

I am in fact in love with Bruce Campbell, not just his rugged good looks and chin of greatness, but that arrogant bastard quality that makes even the most docile of people appreciate being in his presence. This man may in fact be the full package for me, however many others have this quality that yours truly so appreciates to the point of making pantie runs and not just from laughter!
It takes great skill to portray this persona, many ACT like they have it, but lack in delivery. We could go back over douche hunting and uncharacters however keep in mind they themselves show they truly do care what others think which disqualifies these tragic wannabes from true magnificence!!! The subtle oblivious nature of how big of an arrogant asshole coupled with a total lack of appreciating anything or one being at their stature makes these people in my mind candy coated fun time with a splash of sexy vodka ribbing!
A line that is used to distinguish these creamcicles from the otterpops is usually something like "Your primitive intellect would not understand." Whip me now, my God, do I ever love that line, truly! A primate reference is such an awesome feet of asshole I can't even begin to describe how excited I get when I hear that line being dropped by one of these guys!!!!



Will Ferrell in fact plays the perfect intellectual dumb ass wise guy in which I'm referring to in the above clip. He plays this character a lot and I can only hope he is in fact like this in reality or it will ruin my nightly escapades with Mr Rabbit!
He plays this "tone" quite often and delivers it wonderfully so one could only hope!
So much running through my mind on this topic, it does delve somewhat into my nerd love however there is a difference between knowledgeable arrogance and sublimely ignorant semi knowledge arrogance, which I find delicious!

I could go on and on but again Kevin Nealon is another one of these character which I absolutely adore, he always plays the bastard lawyer or know it all dickwad that you cannot help but love!!! From his character as the gay indecisive worthless arrogant lawyer in Anger Management, to his donkey braying orgasmic dope head in the series Weeds you cannot help but love his forward nature of stupid yet yummy arrogance, I sure as hell can't.

With all this naughty talk I will leave you with my "husbands", the courts say he cannot be drugged to accept vows of marriage psh stupid laws, Bruce Campbell's dirty talk that momma loves, if you don't like it, BLOW!

Never fear, Rajini is here!

Alright my fellow blogtards it has finally come to reality!!! I am sharing with my fellow life rejections one of my most treasured rejects ever!!! Bollywoods own Rajini Kanth, the Indian Bruce Lee/Charles Bronson/ Jackie Chan/ brilliance dipped in brown sugar, mmmmmmmm. This my friends is a special moment where I will share one of my favorite past time killers on the viral world we call life now. This silly bastard will astound, will blow you away, will make you try and wrap your mind around his perplexing radness. You may think I'm understating this dogma, this labrynth of perpetual crotch and funny bone tingles cause this my friends is the mother loads of bankrupt comedy I hope comes back to the U.S. again!!!

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If you pay attention to any of my blogging you will understand I have a deep attraction and appreciation to uncharacters, which he clearly is with a dash and sprinkle of epic bad ass that shadows all other douchetastic asshole. No he is not a douche for the fact he is revelled in his country as a demi God of action packed cinema WTFness and I too have fallen victim to his arrogant deliverance! Awe I know you watched the first video and now your curious, reviled, or simply amused, whichever it is you are now interested aren't you?!

To his amazing action sequences to his unstoppable mustache you know he is a man of greatness! There are so many scenes I can share, so many in which I have catalogued on my computer simply for the fact that I never want to miss out in case he goes secret agent and vanishes from our midst, I cannot lose him and I feel neither should you now my friends.

From a serious horse slide under a trailor to evade and or pursue criminals that must pay.......

... to the bunny hop that can dwarf all other bunny hops to have ever been attempted he is platinum stardom dipped in gold and rolled in diamonds!!!! You may asked yourself Mo you are weird as hell, how can you enjoy this, and I can answer the best I can if you do not appreciate how fantastic my man Rajini is, Suck It. Suck it long, and suck it hard cause like I have explicitly said before I do not care what you think, you are reading my meanderings in thought and life and by God you will bend the hell over and take what I have to give!!!!

Childhood Gloriousness!

This is my future, well maybe not mine so much as my brothers but I'm pretty sure with a twist of fate my demise will unfold in a similar fashion. Mo how horrible why would you say such a thing?!?!?! Let me explain, at the time of damnation we lived in the most upper class suburbs our little 3 light town cold offer. In houses just built next to the biggest trailer park and racehorse track this world has ever known. I grew up in what was considered "The Downs" and I will proudly say it still to this day knowing I am this rad bitch because of everything I experienced in the no rooftop life the area offered.
Our back yard was a desert, literally with tumbleweeds and everything, and it was honestly the best life I could have ever hoped for me and my children cause honestly to hell with city life! My brother shows up in our backyard with his friend and says look what I found in the desert!!! A shiny, no dirt in the wheels, worn leather wheelchair. I describe it as such for clearly it was NOT in the desert like all the fat and happy"starving" animals we brought home convincing our father they would have died if we didn't keep them. At the time none of the neighborhood kids cared, it's a flippen wheelchair and that means a good time when you're young! So we did what was expected of children between 8-13, we made it into a ride in our back yard using our fathers seven post he used hanging deer carcass up after a successful hunt! If I remember correctly we used bungee hooks and lariat rope and somehow someway we tethered it up about 4 feet off the ground and took the nail pin out of the upper post that rotated into the cemented post in the ground. Imagine if you will the swings at an amusement park, lifts you off the ground and starts to spin with fun music, screaming kids, and the geniuses who decided flip flops were perfect for an amusement park! We would climb into our stolen wheelchair of spinning death and we tied a rope at the end of the 7, perfect letter for imagery here, and run as hard and fast as we could to get that wheelchair flying!!! Now as little kids of course we couldn't get quite the velocity we were imagining with a sideways wheelchair and someone crying in the seat, so that's why we decided to ask one of the teenagers to help. Of course forward thinking wasn't quite developed in our skulls yet and once the big boy got an 8 year old spinning we did not anticipate the rose bushes were a tad too close for such shenanigans. My brother hit the rose bush and even more funny was spinning so hard and fast the wheelchair tore out some of the bush rooted in the ground. Yeah so what if it was hooked into his flesh, that's funny shit!!! So at the begging of all us kids we tried so hard to bandage and care for him the best we could, however much to our dismay when our father came home and saw a wheelchair hanging from his deer post and his son bleeding and bawling surrounded by kids scattering with adult presence dropping band aids and rubbing alcohol heading for those beautiful desert hills, the little bastards left me to take the heat until my brother could gather the breath to admit he "found" it in the desert.
So like all epic ends to amazing moments in history, I remember him cutting it down, apparently brownies and scouts paid off for us as far as knots, and the end to our stolen spinning wheelchair. However he DID allow us to keep it!!!
Now with that story of radness you now realize why I feel there is an ending out there just waiting for my brother and I, something so ironic, so twisted, and so great for the Darwin Awards that this story just had to be shared. I feel awful thinking of some grandma or grandpa possibly slowly walking or even worse dragging themselves in those puppy tears asking to the heavens "why would someone do such a thing?". Damn it if I feel sadness yet that is definitely shadowed by how great and awesome that memory was of "THE DOWNS!"
So please enjoy this it's in honor of how awesome us hillbillies truly are!

Dropping a yule log!

Christmas joy for every girl and boy, no matter what age! Ebbing, oh this wonderful day is ebbing, licking the shore wave by wave until it touches your toes, engulfs your body, and pretty soon your drowning in the splendor of debt, hangovers, and regretful situations with the family! It must be done, we must tackle this time of year with a smile on our face, a dent in our credit, and enough "spirits" to last us till after new years! I do get stressed and put way to high of expectations on myself and others in aim for that perfect bulls eye of a holiday I hope will be perfect yet usually goes awry. How do I cope, with those movies filled with awesomeness joys of the season that's how!

It usually begins with my favorite children's classic A Christmas Story. Everyone has their favorite unforgettable moments in this movie, and trust me there are many many to choose from. I anticipate the epic battle of the leg lamp myself. Personally I am not too sure why the mother has such an issue with the hot leg glowing in the snowy gloom of her front window, if it were me I would illuminate the shit out of the outside of the window merely to draw my neighbors attention and focus to that glorious gam! The bunny outfit is also great, I also bite my nails and sit on edge waiting, just waiting for the end where they eat dinner in the Chinese restaurant. My grandmother would get so mad at me when we would sing and I had to add "Fa ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra" to Hark the Herald Angels Sing!!!! By far one of my favorite parts due to the fact it's offending someone out there and it is in fact true to every Chinese buffet I have eaten at so far.

I also have a fascination with Bad Santa. Not so much the Santa character, to be quite honest he's an idiot in the movie and if I could slap somebody through the tv it would be his character for their effort to re create prior characters. I watch it for Bernie Mac and Jon Ritter, I love that duo, the meek and the ass! When I watch that movie I get bored and zone out up until the parts where these two come into action, there comedic gesturing toward one another is extraordinary and makes for the most uncomfortably genius scenes I could hope for!

Scrooged is another I can't get enough of, I could watch that movie on replay if I could. Bill Murray is wonderful and a gift to us from the sarcasm of the creator and I think his role in this is so bastard I fall deeper and deeper in love with him! There are so many great parts to this groin warming holiday spirit filled cinema, like the ever memoral moment where the animal trainer
truly had a concern that he couldn't keep the antlers on the mice head for the movie and Bill suggested frustrated to just staple them on hahahaha Oh my that is fantastic! Like the picture from the movie on here I truly have an appreciation for an aggressively hateful relationship where the bad guy just cannot get ahead in the battle! The pretty sparkly bubbly sweetheart kicks the living tar out of him and I get giddy and tingle everywhere watching this power struggle! This is a movie that has been forgotten by a lot of people and I for one find myself saddened when I am told they've never heard of it.

And finally, Gremlins. Oh yes, the first Gremlins where they sabotage and destroy an entire city which consisted of maybe 60 people and havoc bars and theatres with advanced thinking skills much like primates with a cockroach ass. Weirdest and most phenomenal work of art and I still want a gizmo and still would love to go to battle in a hardware store against some big bastard named Stripe. I would adore these little sewer monkey's if they came to my house and sang a Christmas carol, then throw them in a microwave or blender! I still watch this and try to figure out why Phoebe is so panicked at the bar, I myself would serve the hardest shit I could find, they're not driving home let the good times roll baby! With that I must run and leave you with a great Gremlin moment and I hope you enjoyed this quick yule log I've dropped into my poor blogtards laps, ENJOY!

Amazingly Hostless!

- Myspace Layouts,Graphics, and Comments!


Tis the season, yet again another dedication to being the best fake person you can be just so you can make it through the wonderful time of year we all sober up in February from for a toast to 9 more months of being yourself! Not this gal, I try my hardest to surprise the hell out of my guests, hopefully so much that by the time they leave without so much as a whisper there is an understanding Mo is definantly not OK and in fact lets avoid alone time with her. It is all, yet again, in presentation, like this carrot. If I found this carrot I would dehydrate it, pin it perfectly in an up standing position so that when I have dinner guests that would be the unmentioned centerpiece as I play Betty Crocker to people who are despising me with every forced smile!


Another trick is the before show treats, My house will smell of cinnamon and baked cookies but I will bring out on a crystal serving dish is perfectly laid sardines and water crackers. Is it to piss off friends, guests and loved ones, nah I just enjoy how people really go out of their way to be appreciative and torture themselves with traditions of the household as not to offend the host. Yes I am the person who takes full advantage of awkward situations, and yes I realize I have reserved seating in hell for exploiting such situation but damn it you only live once and at this time of year the expectation is so high on cheer that why not throw the mind altering possibly emotional damaging nail in the cogs!!?? Yes that is a carrot as the centerpiece that looks as if it has a ginormous penis, and no I'm not offended if you don't eat the sardines, it was worth a shot!


I may have to do another blog considering I honestly do put in a lot of effort creating horribly strange, uncomfortable situations just to test the waters with anyone who dares enter. One of the funnest I do is perfect picture placement, possibly collages or dedications. For example the best place for a quick photo in frame placement of the man of the house, the host, your uncle, your dad, is the back of the toilet. It has to be a man, worthless you say however nothing makes a man feel more violated than having another dude watch him urinate, if they are new to the house I guarantee they won't touch it but not be able to look the host in the eye for the rest of the night!!! TRY IT! For the ladies or the brave men who dare to stank up a strangers bathroom the creepy guy in a fun frame on the wall in front of the toilet is a perfect addition to the onslaught of mental violation they will lay in bed discussing later that night!

This is in fact one of my favorites I'm sharing, it could possibly be a sibling, it could possibly be a a cousin, fact is most likely again they will avoid using your bathroom due to their own imaginations creating a fun fantastical episode of drama surrounding this lonely photo you dusted off and hung in their honor! The honored photo, this is tricky only because you do not want to draw sympathy with it, you want only attention that you know in their heads they're thinking What The Hell. You can in fact be ultra creative like myself and add candles around it, a little cup that says worlds best dad with a picture of you as a kid leaning up against this photo showing your love for dad, however the photo isn't dad my friends. It a psychological bending over that they will ask about to respect your admiration for your father or whomever it's dedicated to but honestly they are laughing inside counting down to the seconds they can get in their car and speed off mocking it!

Heres a bonus tip for anyone making this attempt, if you use black and white, hint of nostalgia always gets them in the heart, it sets a tone of respect. Black and white symbolically are unarguable colors, note the term itself it's as simple as black and white. Use this to your advantage, wherever you entertain set up the honor photo such as my "dads" honor photo seen above. Maybe draw some stick people holding hands under a rainbow left handed and some dried flowers laying by it. Oh you know, you know they are crying inside to burst out in a fit of tearful joy at this poor blokes beauty, but out of situational respect they won't! I guess I am truly giving away my own secrets I use for psychological violation so when I do have any of my poor readers over they will know better damn it, however I will spread this wealth of behavior to you to try if you haven't already. I will be making more installments of mental violation trust me however today it just felt too appropriate to hopefully allow someone else to mentally blackmail and laughingly stroke emotionally with these fun and easy joy filled acts! Happy holidays everybody!

No place like home!

My God I have hit the jack pot of all sites my friends, I now feel that my own family is in fact socially acceptable in more situations than bars, emergency rooms, and police stations! We actually could have more blood out there infecting the world one broken condom at a time!!! Hell who am I kidding condom don't feel the same right?!?!?!
Please please look closely at these treasures I picked and chose from on the site I will post at the end of this and appreciate that these people can be anyone out there we look past on our daily routines! Caught forever in frozen time, moments you and I can appreciate with humor, respect and I fucking love them and I don't even know them! Above the title to this pic was "Has anyone seen Aunt Telcia?" look close and it's the Where's Waldo for us simple minded folk out here who now want to do this same photo for others to try and catch. If you say no then I will call you a liar, simple, yet elegant drunken thought was put into this family photo I now treasure!!!

I have hit the mother effing load here, these two brutes pose in the sexiest way imaginable to themselves and I sure as hell will not pass up such an opportunity to exploit that! The gentleman in the form fitting grey ensemble has a mysterious beckoning stance at which you question, is he in the process of moving forward or stepping backward forgetting to suck in widening his stance to be sure the small bulge will be noticed in his grandmothers polyester Sears pants. Mullet stud on the other hand went for the more forward approach, he is sexy and damn it he means it! A more natural stance, holding the wrist up like "oh my, you caught my in my leopard banana hammock checking the time in a photo studio", EPIC! Feathered business is absolutely breathtakingly hero that this man actually thought today is one of which I will be sexy in the most timeless way I can. Magnificent!

Alright dads, and this is why you are not allowed to be photographed when you play with children.

We are all very very aware that you treat them like the gi Joes you marred and buried in great aunts flower garden, but for the love of God stop pushing them onto slip and slides with no water,

and stop throwing them across rooms when chances are we all know we will be visiting the emergency room once again knowing when the doctors and nurses look at you they're are thinking I am reporting this SOB stat! They are not toys!!!! However on a side note I want to thank the mommies who did not step in, who probably was too loaded to give a shit and/or but not limited to, was bored and knew if she waited she would have an excuse to fight with daddy to avoid sex later. I know how you women think, and men, this usually is the ONLY reason why w sober women will let you toss their kids around for fun.

Alright I'm having too much fun and absolutely dieing over this web site so here is the last set before I release you heathens into the virtual world of insanity I so adore!

The creepy family photos that we all run the scenarios of what they could possibly be thinking when the were taken. No little Ping, you you suck at stacking blocks, you be no doctor, you sit over there now!!! Mo quit hahaha no lets continue shall we. Black and white are supposed to be

classic, nostalgic, influential to today's society reminding us of honestly how big of pussies we are in comparison. However, I see these of my own Serbian blood family working the rail roads and mines in Nevada and think to myself sometimes, they ate blood sausage, they slaughtered their own food, they would have the new guy take off his clothes and throw them off the train in the middle of winter on their way to school, Holy shit these people scare the living hell out of me!!! FYI the train story is true, my family rocks and frightens me! The black and white was most likely supposed to be a serene happy one with photos angled in the background, the man sitting forward asserting his penis stance into the posture, so what the hell is up with exorcist on the left. She honestly scares the shit out of me and to see this picture larger go to the following website I post right before I curl myself up into a ball of fear in my comforter hoping that it isn't true that the most random thing you don't think twice about is in fact what you dream that night. I hope you all enjoyed and please check this site out, it is my Eloi ( nod to HG Wells people) of my virtual roaming!

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/

and with that I must leave you this, one of us one of us one of us................gooble gobble, I accept you