You know us Utahians!!

Good ole Utah!!!! Where we still use handcarts to pick up flour at the shop and we all share one man in the hopes of being his bottom bitch! The idea of Utah precedes itself, you can ask anyone in the US, excluding Idaho cause it really should be Idatah, and they will either ask you questions about living in the compound or state horribly overheard obvious facts about it considering living there your completely oblivious to it! Ugh I get it, we're all polygamous mormons who are obedient slaves to our men pumping out babies like its as cool as scrap booking Lil Jimmy's first dump. If you are a blogtard and have actually been following my blogs you are probably aware of the fact I am not mormon and if I were I would get the tar and feather treatment off the temples property with them taking away my Jesus VIP house card to enter the grounds. To each their own and all that shit but it amazes me how much people are aware of the infamy of Utah and has never even experienced it, that's kick ass! High five Utah we rule!!!
The thing I recently heard blew my mind however, it was a story of my fathers over seas travels years ago which landed him in Mongolia. Mongols at that time were still farmers, herders and the richest man in the village had a tv and 5 channels!!! So for dinner he lands himself in the villages tavern with home cooked goulash and enough alcohol to sanitize Las Vegas. He sat down with a translator and about 6 Mongols who's chatter could be heard across the street. They order a full bottle of vodka and salute to ordering the bottle and everyone takes a shot together. They order food and they salute to that, they find out my fathers name and salute to that, and they salute to them saluting. What I'm getting at is they were drunk before the damn food even touched the table top and I'm pretty sure they saluted that as well! As they felt that liquid burning their stomachs they wanted to know where this hairy bastard with glasses was from, no translation needed for my fathers answer cause when he said Utah there was an explosion of hollers and more shots and loud commotion and laughing. Not wanting to be found in a irrigation ditch face down he joined them in celebrating absolutely nothing in his mind. They quieted down and asked the translator a very serious question which he turned to my father and stated "they want to know how many wives you have." WHAT!?!?!?!?!?! Sum bitch ditch diggers without cable and means of worldly knowledge daily actually knew what Utah was for, Mormons!!! Without understanding what they said all he heard was mormon over and over and he responded he had only one and they saluted that. They had a question for him then and asked why he only has one and he responded " if any of you are married then you would understand". At that point the conversation changed to marriage and women however my dad was still stunned that these back plow ditch digging men were fully aware of Utah, you could ask about Kentucky or Florida and I'm pretty sure they'd ask if those were in the United States however Utah around the world is known for Polygamy.....yeah we rock!
So with this please enjoy my fav disowned members......

Alright, round two of the sharing of how spectacularly lame I was as the bastard of the schoolyard! The picture above is me, not a boy you assholes, it's me. This was in 3rd grade and at this point the mullet had to go due to two facts; I wore headgear at the time AND my father thought me having long hair was just something more in the way than anything else.

I will elaborate on the headgear so the entirety of the 3rd grade bastard story will envelope your mind in insane Joker laughter and feeling sorry for a 3 legged dog. I had the barbaric headgear that formed a helmet face guard in front of my mouth and wrapped around the crown of my head. Brushing your hair with one of these things on was pretty much pointless considering I looked like I rubbed a damn balloon on my head at all times, so yes half the time I wouldn't brush it which let to my father hacking the rest off. Now these apparently I did not realize should be worn only at night time, and I did not learn of this crucial fact until later my dad admitted it to me and said he just wanted to speed up the process of fixing my teeth twice as fast, that rat bastard!

This year the school zoning changed so I figured a whole new school and new people I would be able to have friends this year and maybe, just maybe, I could be COOL!!!!!! Well...... that was a fucking bust between my haircut that Dorothy Hamil would cry over, my amazing football face gear, and at this point I started learning that there was a difference between boy and girl clothes, I was the reject everyone avoided YET AGAIN! Damn it! There were no bushes to hide in with a dying cat and I couldn't hide in the bathroom due to girls yelling at the ugly boy girl to get out of the girls bathroom and use the boys. RAD.

I did learn to only use the bathroom by the office and during class so there weren't those girls yelling at me, I rocked at survival, and I learned at lunch time I could sit near the boys table and kind of blend in so I could eat in peace and not try to be involved and be rejected. During recess they would have handstand contests on the grass hill, alright I can do this shit I was part boy after all. So I would go and join the girls and try, I did this for weeks and thought I blended in!! Alas once they were tired of the dork off to the side joining the competitions they had to point out to me nobody liked me and to go away. So in spite of them I would go to the side of the building and do a handstand against the wall and watch them fall. Not sure what the idea behind that was besides me thinking haha you keep falling and look at me watching you. Creepy loser staring at you upside down all recess with headgear on and crazy hair, holy shit it s a wonder that I ever did finds friends, really.

Two days will always stick out in my mind, the first being my father accidentally bleached some levis of mine, so to fix it he did that old dirty hippie move and match the rest of the pants with splotchy bleach marks. Right on dad although I thought I kicked ass turns out when you get off a bus feeling cool and a bunch of boys throw dirt clods at you and call you the accident you are in fact do not kick ass. In retrospect I was ahead of my time so fuck you boys who threw dirt clods at me!!! I did go that whole day with kids going out of their way to make sure I understood how ugly my pants were and my face matched them, ah the sweet sweet memories of school *sigh*

The second day I remember most was my picture above. School picture day! My grandma bought me a matching shorts and button tee, it was black and blue and I would never allow my children to be seen in public in something like that mind you, and asked if I would brush my hair and I did and thought wow I look pretty my dad isn't even making me wear my headgear!!!! Well apparently like my awesome bleached pants I resembled something less than pretty and in fact when I was about to follow my class for pictures my sweet teacher asked if I would come over to her desk. She brushed my hair down in the back better and put the necklace on my neck she was wearing. I thought OMG I rule my teacher put her necklace on me watch out bitches I am the best!!! NAY, damn it nay, she had to add ,"this way when they take your picture they know your a girl." MOTHER FUCKER...... oh yes in all caps cause I felt so hurt and remember instead laughed, guess who "accidentally" broke the necklace. Nope, I blamed the necklace breaking on another girl who had screamed me out of the bathroom to go use the boys multiple times hahahahahahahaha that's right I had a moment of revenge and I took it!

As rough as it may sound I had a lot of fun this year, I kicked ass on track and field day, seriously dominated that shit. Must have been the hours of standing on my hands everyday, and my grades were the best in the class!!! I had a few moments where people were nice to me, and I did have two people I actually could talk to sometimes, overall I was a loner and realized I'm OK with that cause that's the year I found sports. See so again, no pity without this awesome fail of cool kid I wouldn't have found athletics which I still love to this day. There will be more memories spewing from this blog soon, but tonight I'll leave you with a visual treasure....... This is why you use a wall dumb ass!

OOOOh it's different, lets throw stuff at it!

It seems recently that the type of child I was keeps coming up, how I was in school, how I was socially. Anything awkward or funny, which was the majority of it, seems to be those verbal gems that for humiliating purposes can please the masses. It's true, I am odd. I was raised like a boy by my amazing single dad who raised my brother and I alone, which may explain the awesome look above. Literally that bastard put a bowl on my head and cut from the back of the ear across the forehead, to the back of the other ear. Not to make me more girly with bangs but for function. It's hard to take a girl hiking and camping with her damn hair getting tangled and falling in her face.

I was a reject. That person who tried to sit by the teacher so she wouldn't be teased or I would try to make people laugh so they wouldn't beat me up. Kids are assholes, it's true, although most have grown out of that there are those few I would not mind knocking their teeth down their throat to this day, I won't lie! In grade school the cool thing was to have a box, like caboodles type shit or something, and put all sorts of flavors of chap sticks in it and you were really cool if you had the vibrator sized ones..... yeah I question why some of them bought those since you cannot convince me you need a centuries worth of cherry cola Lip Smackers. I thought I could fit in, I convince my dad who works his ass off to care for us to purchase me a 3 pack, I started my collection of popular tokens to become one of them!! Nay, when I got to school and busted out my bubble gum and 7 up flavored chap sticks they were gone!!! Not the tube the damn stick of chap shit itself was gone!!! I dug out my treasure which no one else had yet, the Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers and as I remove the lid there was teeth marks in the top of the fucking stick! My cursed brother had eaten my chap stick, that rat bastard! I was not allowed to jump rope without those tokens of entry so I found a place to hide in shame........the bushes on the side of the building.
At our grade school there was a little hill with bushes on the side of the building. I called it my hut and I hung out in the bushes of lonely loserdome ever recess and most lunches if no one could see me sneak in. It was tricky, the one time I was spied the kids decided to try and hit me with pebbles so in my awesome innovation instead of crying and hiding I turned it into a game of dodge the flying rocks that are being hurled at the dork in the bushes at mid level force!!! GOOD TIMES!!!! I also found a friend, not a bipedal kind but a feline who I am positive had mange and was quite possibly looking for a quiet place to kill over and here's this questionable sexed person petting it and giving it the attention it dearly wanted to avoid. There was also an important technique of getting out of said bushes and into the classroom without being noticed, the girls were always in first so I had to time my entry to the cruel world again between them and the boys who literally had spit on me numerous times trying to play on the playground, ah but that's another blog to explain. If I jumped out too late I was spotted and I was teased about being a jungle freak, if I were too early heaven forbid the cool girls saw this mullet topped girl crawling out of bushes and dirt, I was so good I was rarely spotted, that's right I fucking ruled at being a loser!!! The nostalgic excrement I have to confront when people say "oh I bet you were one of the popular girls" I laugh and say if you consider popular sitting in dirt in bushes alone with a cat trying to die by itself then, yes, I was popular.
The patheticness of my childhood is what I owe to who I am today however. I love that I was a reject and I absolutely love that I was teased and mocked for the fact I now have a sense of humor that is quicker witted than the popular kids best days AND I don't let the world get to me, ever. I'm not telling you these stories for pity, merely to make you understand my ass was garbage to most of societies young eyes at that point till I grew jugs.....yep another blog. I am so thankful my father wasn't the type to step in, let me fight my own damn battles for I am a pretty kick ass brood that can only hope my children have that little bit of torment to make them appreciate who they are and not care what others think. Damn I'm mean, well, I'm old school and that's just how I am.
Tomorrow I will continue my homage to kiddie radness so the spectrum continue to grows on the awareness of why my crazy ass is the way it is with no apologies to anyone, to be continued............

I give you..... more dopes with ropes!

O Mazing Mo

Yeah this song pretty much sums up my effect on my awesome singing talents. I received a text last night and they were singing Africa by TOTO. It impressed me still, through the giggles and patchiness only found in the talents at saloon karaoke underground bars, the words were all accurate. In fact this same day I was singing along to a song and some one said, "Mo, do you realize you just bunched together like four words into one that doesn't even exist yet it sounds similar." Damn lyric Nazi I was totally busted, shit. I do this ALOT, unless I take time for lyric.com, otherwise I say if it sounds like it, it works damn it.



This takes me back, waaaaaaay back into time when I was a young bastard in middle school. This started off on one American Idols judges favorite feet and I was heavily doped after having my wisdom teeth removed. I remember sitting in the waiting room for my dad watching the ceiling swirl and at that very moment ice cream came to mind, not just any ice cream, but ice cream from Charlies on the Boulevard was my favorite. As my father escorted me to our kick ass faux wood paneled station wagon we nick named the shaggin wagon since the irony was you could never get ass in that carpeted sun warped plastic awesomeness, I told him in a slurred sentence ,"m'icecrem pleez". Bless that bastards heart he knew what I was saying and off to Charlies we went! As I tried slurping down the vanilla goodness I looked around and was delighted at how vivid colors were, and how beautiful the sky was and my dads station wagon, and brown plaid interior, I was loving life and living on high!!!! The song Eternal Flame came on, at least that's what I remember it being so it may add to the fact my dad almost wet himself in tears over the most magnificent vocal performance ever, and I felt that fire within that couldn't be squelched by my sweet frozen treat. I belted in my mind was brilliant Grand Ol' Opry shit, I sang it out the window, I felt as if I was on top of the world and it was glorious!!! We get home and as the sedation and big meds wore off my father was teary eyed and wiping ice cream off my chin neck and told me to change my shirt. I look down and it looked as if the ice cream were in fact me orally pleasuring the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and there was the evidence. What the hell did I spill?!?! Nope, my father explained to me that while I was eating my ice cream I was drooling it in the first place since my entire mouth was numb, a song came on the radio and WHILE shoveling ice cream in my gullet I was belting incomprehensible words to it, at him, out the window at cars next to us, and also Made the big time move of tossing my hands in the air closing my eyes very serious like. That is NOT the way I remember it, mine was laced with gold and sprinkled with diamonds, the sky was changing colors so that should have tipped me off however I was basking in that moment of fail.

To this day my father will still bring that up, usually when someone drools icecream he loves telling them of this day I still argue was nothing short of magical! So sing your silly monkies, sing your damn hearts out if your tone def, can't understand the words, or if it's the wrong song, otherwise I will be the only asshole out there that does these things outside of the shower, and I simply cannot have that.

Summer Stoopid Syndrome

Ah tis the season for classic yard toy memories to come back and haunt us from the past with painful reminders of scars and wounded egos of our own or our parents ass-hattery. I love summer, absolutely love it for the fact the sun brings out the stupid in all of us. I remember so many toys in fact my family had us play on that is either outlawed or they do not make anymore for safety reasons, these in fact are some of my favorite memories to bring up since there is not one person out there who cannot relate.

One of my fondest memories was at my grandmas, all us young cousins hanging out, the adults drinking beer or gin and tonics in a tiny mining town, gave us yard darts. I may have spoke about this before but I'll do it again since it relates to summer stoopid syndrome (SSS). We were shoved outside to play with the lethal objects and told to throw them into circles on the lawn while others stood around said circles thinking they will magically go into the target area. Thanks family!!!! As one of the younger ones you know it ended in the older kids using us for target practice and ripping through locked screen doors to escape the bastard kin I have to claim as blood.

Lets not forget the hot metal action that spent all day searing with those translucent heat waves quivering above the shining steel objects being glazed in the sun. You know exactly what I'm talking about, those five story power slides that had one inch sides and nothing but gleaming metal glaring at you as your father says stop being a pussy and play damn it I have to get the briquettes going. To the people that developed those and thought they were genius, I want to also send you my hospital bills and also figure out a billing system on damages from the layers of flesh grilled onto the hot-plate-o-fun!!!

Merry go rounds, also metal, usually diamond plated, fun when its kids of equal strength. However, there was always that big kid or semi stumble drunk parent that wanted to see you go as fast as possible just to see someone fly. Myself I would stay toward the center, my brother not so much. I remember times when we would get that burner spinning so fast one of our neighborhood friends actually was sideways hanging on crying until his sweaty palms could not hang on any longer and he flew. Of course no one helped him we were playing and damn it it's not our fault, again I want to blame the slide people which I'm pretty sure after developing those "park equipment toys" had huge stock in the emergency care system across the nation.

Of course as shown at top there is the staple summer stoopid creator for all ages, the slip-n-slide. The older we get they turn more into huge sprawls of plastic laid out down massive hills or off of ramps going into lakes, pools, you name it sufferers of SSS thought of it. My favorite is assuming the water is actually all over the damn thing, with improper watering technique and the fail of realizing the hot vapor action from sun on plastic I love that 200 yard power run to find yourself come to a screeching halt and roll onto the grass or further down into where the water actually pooled in a dip on the slide. I am pretty sure my knees and elbows have scar tissue from years of self torture and learned childhood experiences.

There are so many old school toys that we all could look back on and say what the hell were we thinking as we recall the terror and treacherous meanderings we somehow survived!!! Please feel free to share your SSS experiences, or even better tell us blogtards your plans for this season!!!!

Tastefully Arrogant

I am in fact in love with Bruce Campbell, not just his rugged good looks and chin of greatness, but that arrogant bastard quality that makes even the most docile of people appreciate being in his presence. This man may in fact be the full package for me, however many others have this quality that yours truly so appreciates to the point of making pantie runs and not just from laughter!
It takes great skill to portray this persona, many ACT like they have it, but lack in delivery. We could go back over douche hunting and uncharacters however keep in mind they themselves show they truly do care what others think which disqualifies these tragic wannabes from true magnificence!!! The subtle oblivious nature of how big of an arrogant asshole coupled with a total lack of appreciating anything or one being at their stature makes these people in my mind candy coated fun time with a splash of sexy vodka ribbing!
A line that is used to distinguish these creamcicles from the otterpops is usually something like "Your primitive intellect would not understand." Whip me now, my God, do I ever love that line, truly! A primate reference is such an awesome feet of asshole I can't even begin to describe how excited I get when I hear that line being dropped by one of these guys!!!!



Will Ferrell in fact plays the perfect intellectual dumb ass wise guy in which I'm referring to in the above clip. He plays this character a lot and I can only hope he is in fact like this in reality or it will ruin my nightly escapades with Mr Rabbit!
He plays this "tone" quite often and delivers it wonderfully so one could only hope!
So much running through my mind on this topic, it does delve somewhat into my nerd love however there is a difference between knowledgeable arrogance and sublimely ignorant semi knowledge arrogance, which I find delicious!

I could go on and on but again Kevin Nealon is another one of these character which I absolutely adore, he always plays the bastard lawyer or know it all dickwad that you cannot help but love!!! From his character as the gay indecisive worthless arrogant lawyer in Anger Management, to his donkey braying orgasmic dope head in the series Weeds you cannot help but love his forward nature of stupid yet yummy arrogance, I sure as hell can't.

With all this naughty talk I will leave you with my "husbands", the courts say he cannot be drugged to accept vows of marriage psh stupid laws, Bruce Campbell's dirty talk that momma loves, if you don't like it, BLOW!

Never fear, Rajini is here!

Alright my fellow blogtards it has finally come to reality!!! I am sharing with my fellow life rejections one of my most treasured rejects ever!!! Bollywoods own Rajini Kanth, the Indian Bruce Lee/Charles Bronson/ Jackie Chan/ brilliance dipped in brown sugar, mmmmmmmm. This my friends is a special moment where I will share one of my favorite past time killers on the viral world we call life now. This silly bastard will astound, will blow you away, will make you try and wrap your mind around his perplexing radness. You may think I'm understating this dogma, this labrynth of perpetual crotch and funny bone tingles cause this my friends is the mother loads of bankrupt comedy I hope comes back to the U.S. again!!!

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If you pay attention to any of my blogging you will understand I have a deep attraction and appreciation to uncharacters, which he clearly is with a dash and sprinkle of epic bad ass that shadows all other douchetastic asshole. No he is not a douche for the fact he is revelled in his country as a demi God of action packed cinema WTFness and I too have fallen victim to his arrogant deliverance! Awe I know you watched the first video and now your curious, reviled, or simply amused, whichever it is you are now interested aren't you?!

To his amazing action sequences to his unstoppable mustache you know he is a man of greatness! There are so many scenes I can share, so many in which I have catalogued on my computer simply for the fact that I never want to miss out in case he goes secret agent and vanishes from our midst, I cannot lose him and I feel neither should you now my friends.

From a serious horse slide under a trailor to evade and or pursue criminals that must pay.......

... to the bunny hop that can dwarf all other bunny hops to have ever been attempted he is platinum stardom dipped in gold and rolled in diamonds!!!! You may asked yourself Mo you are weird as hell, how can you enjoy this, and I can answer the best I can if you do not appreciate how fantastic my man Rajini is, Suck It. Suck it long, and suck it hard cause like I have explicitly said before I do not care what you think, you are reading my meanderings in thought and life and by God you will bend the hell over and take what I have to give!!!!